Courage Starts With Showing Up and Letting Ourselves Be Seen

26. March 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Books, I'm Doing It Right! · Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Universe brought Brene Brown into my life many times before last Sunday, but I didn’t listen because I wasn’t ready then. I pushed away the notion that I should read some of what Brown has to say because I was afraid. I knew enough about Brown’s work as a vulnerability and shame researcher to be afraid to read her books or listen to her powerful message. Vulnerability? No thanks. Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. The thought of letting myself be vulnerable in front of others terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable.

Why? Because the message that has been taught to me over & over by well-meaning (but wrong) people in my life is that being vulnerable is a weakness and that wearing armor is a strength. That when I cry (which, yes, I kind of do a lot & openly), I’m making others feel uncomfortable. Crying, to them, is something to be done rarely and in private. Keeping emotions inside is safe and brave and the right, courteous thing to do. These are the messages I’ve carried in my head for 35 years.

But I’m done now. (This is what I am doing right.)

Upon watching Brene Brown on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday (part one), I purchased Daring Greatly and read 20% of it in one sitting last weekend. I cried while I read it because so much of it hit home, beginning with the title of this post, which is a quote from Daring Greatly and the prompt for this post today.

It’s been a while since I wrote from the gut here and let myself really be seen. I’m going to change that. I’m going to allow myself to be vulnerable in this space.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Have you read any of Brene Brown’s books? If so, which one(s) and what is your favorite quote or message?




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Angry Toddler Hates Hyphens!

20. February 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: Play!, Toddlerhood · Tags: , , , , , ,

Nothing makes me happier than Jackson’s recent curiosity about the alphabet and how to spell ALL THE WORDS. Actually, that isn’t true. Last night, he surprised me by getting very angry over a hyphen. It was the cutest thing. Look for me on Vine (as jamesandjax) or scroll to the bottom of this post if you want to see 6 adorable seconds of Jax getting upset over it (he doesn’t want letters to move, whatever that means). He takes his punctuation very seriously–as we all should!

We often play a “game” (it’s really more of an educational app) on the iPad called Endless ABCs while I make dinner after work. It is the greatest toddler app I’ve downloaded yet, and if you have a toddler and an iPhone or iPad, I highly recommend you check out this fun app. The app takes Jax through each letter of the alphabet with adorable fuzzy monsters who act out the word being spelled, after Jax drags the letters onto the outline of the word. Not only do the letters make the sound when you touch them, the narrator also defines the word once it’s been spelled out. According to the app (although we have yet to experience this), the words also change with increased use.

So last night I was making a fancy dinner of fish and chips while Jax played with the app, and when he got to the letter X and the inevitable x-ray, he asked me to come help him. He was confused by the hyphen in the word, having never seen a hyphen before. So I explained to him some of what I know about hyphens–which is a lot, given my day job as an editor. I’m not a huge fan of hyphens and usually eliminate them unless they are absolutely necessary as determined by Webster’s.

Yet I tried to be fair and unbiased as I explained appropriate hyphenation to my 3 year old. (<— Look, ma! No hyphens!)

Apparently Jax isn’t a fan, either. When he didn’t appreciate my explanation of why the hyphen is necessary, as deemed by both Webster’s and Endless ABCs, in the word x-ray, he angrily yelled that he didn’t want to play Endless ABCs anymore. Then he pressed the Home button on the iPad and began sulking in that typical toddler way.

He hasn’t gone back to the app yet. I think he’s going to need some time to heal. I’m hoping that the next time he opens it, we’ll have a different–unhyhpenated–X word! Like xlophone or xenon!

 

The Positivity Notebook

30. November 2012 · 8 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Books, Depression, favorite things, Living better, My happiness project, On writing · Tags: , , , , , ,

I began feeling pretty low mid-September. Therapy was helping, but I don’t go often enough–I could never go as often as I’d like, given how good I feel when I leave there. I needed something more, something I could carry with me throughout the hard days. I thought back to my early twenties when I was depressed, and I remembered this little leather journal I carried with me everywhere. I must have had a name for it, which I can’t recall now.

In it, I listed all the things that made me happy then (eventually the list exceeded 100). I listed things I want to do in my life. I scribbled song lyrics, quotes, and passages from books. I doodled with markers. That book went everywhere with me during those dark days. Opening it made me feel better, comforted. And, because I have always been a writer, it made me feel good to put pen to paper. Writing has always been my go-to tool for working through my emotions.

This past September, as the days grew shorter and colder and my mood changed with the weather, I decided to start another book. This time, I chose a cheap (but colorful) notebook from Target–less pressure to keep things pretty inside. I referred to it out loud one time as my “positivity notebook,” knowing my struggle to overcome my negativity and pessimism was causing, in part, my depressed mood. The name stuck, even though it isn’t very creative. But sometimes, simplicity is best.

I began writing in it within minutes of coming home from Target. Here is the first page:

Opening page of the positivity notebook

For a month, maybe slightly longer, I carried the notebook with me everywhere, and if I wasn’t feeling well enough to write things down, I’d simply flip through what I’d already written and find some solace there. There is nothing painful in the book, nothing that isn’t uplifting to me in some way. I haven’t written many of my own words inside, but rather I have relied primarily on things others have already shared. This is because I couldn’t trust myself to not write a page-long rant about whatever is bothering me, combined with my fear of someone reading my deepest thoughts.

This is part of a poem by my favorite poet, Frank O’Hara. I love it, so into the notebook it went!

By the end of October, I’d stopped carrying the notebook around with me because I was feeling much better, far less negative. I don’t know whether the positivity notebook should get all of the credit for that, but I feel that it helped me through a rough patch.

Lyrics to “No One’s Gonna Love You” by Band of Horses, which I was listening to nonstop for a while there. Not exactly positive, but beautiful.

Now I toss the notebook in my purse when I start feeling heavy again or when I suspect the day might be hard for me. And sometimes I toss it in there just because it’s never a bad thing to carry a resource full of inspiring reminders about how life can be. Sometimes I just crave the positivity notebook.

This is part of an exercise I learned in therapy that I find soothing and helpful. I wrote it down as a reminder. Don’t you just love the word “unstuck?”

I think this weekend I will dig out that little leather journal from a decade ago and reflect on the things that made me happy back then.

Do you write down things that inspire or comfort you? Or do you use Pinterest (or something else) for this? I’d love to hear about your method!

 

Fantasizing About December

29. November 2012 · 1 comment · Categories: My happiness project, Working momma · Tags: , , ,

I am likely about to make you jealous.

Bloggers, ever feel inundated with ideas for posts you don’t have time to write? The ideas are there, buzzing around in my head, but the time isn’t. However, this morning I looked at the calendar hanging on my cubicle at work and noticed lots of scribbles–in other words, days off! Hooray! I counted them, like any busy mom who craves time alone would do.

Just look at all those days off from work! Eight, to be exact–plus the 1 on New Years’ Day. I’m working a total of 13 days in December. I’m working less than I am not working! I love this time of year!

It’s not exactly all peaches and cream, though–all those days off mean I’ll be wayyy behind when I return to work in January. But at least I’ll be well rested (in theory).

Over the break–which includes 11 days off in a row at the end of December–I will send Jax to daycare on a few of the days (& my husband will go to work as usual) so I can accomplish a few things around the house ALONE, including:

  • Undecorating the house from the holidays. Jax can’t be there for this. Too traumatic for the little boy who loves Christmas best.
  • Cleaning & catching up on chores. Every time I get a break from work, I try to give the house a good scrubbing. Sayonara, dust bunnies!
  • Finding homes for all the new STUFF (gifts). We already have so much stuff. Where in the world will all the new stuff go? I typically schedule a Purple Heart pickup or make a Goodwill donation during the week after Christmas. It feels good to declutter by donating.

And I’ll make a point to also indulge myself in some super-duper-mega self-care by:

  • Writing a few blog posts. I’d love to bank a few for when the inspiration or time are lacking later. Like when I’m overworking in January because of all the time off in December! There are many posts in my head just waiting to be written. I miss the days of having posts written and waiting in the Drafts folder to be scheduled for a rainy day.
  • Getting a massage. I’ve been holding on to a gift certificate for over a year now. Yes, a whole year! There’s never the right time to make this happen! But I’m thinking about spending one of the pre-Christmas vacation days finishing up my shopping and then relaxing with a massage. Assuming the thing is still valid….
  • Watching movies. This is something that’s fallen by the wayside in the 3 years of my son’s existence. Well, unless you count Disney movies. But there are a few mostly girly movies I want to see that nobody in my house would ever let me watch in their presence. Like The Notebook. Can you believe I’ve never seen that?! I’m sure it’ll be a total sobfest, but at least I’ll be alone, so who cares! Crying alone is good for the soul, right?!
  • Reading books while taking a bubble bath while drinking wine. Probably in the middle of the afternoon. So what.
  • Catching up with friends. That’s the best part of the holiday season, and I don’t plan to miss out!

So, what’s your December looking like? Wanna grab lunch?

I’m serious. Call me. I’d bet money that after a few days, I’ll be bored & lonely!

 

September (A Stream of Consciousness Post)

27. September 2012 · 8 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, My happiness project, On writing, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: , , , , , , , ,

September has been the most emotional month of this year for me (as it seems to be most years), from highs to lows to happiness to anxiety and sadness. Transparency and authenticity are objectives I will always strive for in this space I’ve created here. But I am a private person—as much as any blogger can actually be—so I struggle with how much to say!

So I’ll start with this: It feels lately as if I’m having a kind of emotional mini-crisis, unless crisis is too strong a word for what this is (jury’s still out). I hear Bjork singing in my head today, “There’s more to life than this.” There must be more to life than looking forward to bedtime in the hope you actually sleep well that night. There must be more to life than doing the same job, day in and day out, and hoping for a decent pay increase that’s better than last year’s, because we all know money solves everything. There must be more to life than finding enjoyment in drinking a glass of wine with dinner because it helps you relax, and you really need to relax. There must be more to life than shopping, than keeping busy and distracted by chores, than list-making. There must be more to life than telling yourself that if you just make it to “X” month or day, things will get better.

I am a cynic and a pessimist, and I don’t want to be anymore. I am exhausted by my constant negative thoughts (about myself and my life, not about others). I have plenty of things for which to be grateful and insanely happy! Yes, I have had some sadness, but no more than anyone else I know (I think). Overall, there has been more to celebrate than to grieve. But I still find myself unsatisfied.

There’s a very loud voice in my head that says, “You ungrateful bitch, you don’t even have a challenging existence! Who do you think you are?! Why are you so miserable? Why can’t you just be happy?” And the voice wins, most days, and I am awash in guilt over all my “venting” and whining and general anxiety and moodiness. I worry that my friends find me annoying and pathetic. I worry, even, that my Twitter followers will unfollow me if I keep it up. I try to contain my negativity, yet somehow it spills out anyway. My biggest fear in life is abandonment (and I have years of therapy under my belt to back this up).

I know I’m probably being too hard on myself, that some of this is just human nature and I should cut myself some slack, especially since this time of year always has the potential to turn me into a slobbering mess. But the other side of the equation, for me, is that I don’t want Jax to do this to himself when he’s older. Nor do I want him to think of me as a total downer. I want to be better for him, if not first for myself.

So I’m embarking on something new this week in the realm of personal development. I’m trying to suspend my disbelief and take a friend’s advice that may help me let go of some of my negativity. I’m silencing the mockery I hear in my own head, and I’m concentrating on philosophies that seem far out but also soothing. I’m reading about how to fall in love with myself, because I don’t have a freaking clue how to do this (do you know?) but I do know, from what I’ve been reading so far, it’s apparently quite important to do. I read that good things will come to me if I can just learn how to love myself.

I need good things to come to me–so shut up, cynical self!

This morning, my day began (well before my alarm clock) with some YouTube videos my friend emailed to me. And from there, I caught up on some recent blog posts by Brene Brown. I have decided to read her books, and soon. I googled—don’t laugh—”positivity.” I revisited one of my favorite, and often forgotten, websites, Marc and Angel Hack Life. I stayed off Twitter most of the day, until I retweeted the hell out of Marc and Angel’s tweets because so many of them resonated with me.

I’m trying. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.

Tonight I’m going to stop at a drugstore and buy a notebook. Having been a writer for 25 of my 35 years, buying a new notebook is meaningful and sometimes life-changing for me. It signifies a brand new start, and every notebook I’ve ever begun has always begun positively, full of energy and hope. And so in the spirit of a fresh start, and because there’s no denying how much I love to write and how introspective I am, I’m going to fill this new notebook with snippets of all the things I’m reading and learning–but without any pressure to make it pretty. The objective is simple–writing things down or taping them into a central location will help me remember them and keep them handy for the bad days, when I’m going to flip through the notebook and find comfort there, I hope.

Do you keep a “positivity notebook,” for lack of a better term? Or, can you recommend some uplifting, positive, personal development-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way websites or books I shouldn’t miss?

 

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