self-care | James & Jax

Anatomy of a Perfect Day

13. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: My happiness project, Toddlerhood · Tags: balance, Happiness, holidays, life, playtime, self-care, toddlerhood, wellness

With my husband out of the country for 4 days, I approached the idea of Mother’s Day alone with Jax with mostly excitement about having a lot of time together but also with a little bit of worry about my day potentially going awry due to some toddler tantrum or another. So I kind of split up my Mother’s Day into chunks of time all weekend, beginning on Friday. To kick off Mother’s Day weekend, I left work 2 hours early to give myself a bit of downtime and self-care.

My version of self-care includes wine, journaling, and delicious food (guacamole and black bean chips this time).

Saturday, it rained in the morning, so we hung around the house a lot. Eventually, we made it to Target for crafting supplies and snacks, and then we came home and drew, glittered, and stickered handmade Mother’s Day cards for both grandmoms. We ate Oreos.

Glitter + Oreos? Sounds pretty fantastic, right?

Jax selected Disney princess stickers for his grandmoms because “they look like princesses.”

The rest of Saturday, we alternated laying around the house with some outside play. Around 3:30, he finally napped (boy did he need it!) on my lap. I enjoyed the snuggles while I watched something other than Disney Jr on the tv.

It was adorable. I wish he’d nap more often! I got to watch 2 episodes of Arrested Development!

Jax fell asleep pretty easily Saturday night, and we both slept very well. I believe that’s why Sunday was so fanastic.

Fantastic may not even accurately cover how perfect my day was. I woke up an hour before Jax and sipped my coffee slowly while it was still hot. I caught up on social media and watched a bit of Mad Men (I am SO behind). When he woke up, we went to breakfast with my parents, who treated.

After that, we hung around the house for a few hours. We ended up in sweats, both of us, and cleaning the living room (what kind of a Mother’s Day is this?!). It was actually pretty fun, because in my twisted head, few things make me happier than a clean house. I had planned to take him on a long walk at a park with a long track, and then let him loose on the playground after I got a few miles in, but after we cleaned, he’d started to play by himself, quietly and contentedly, so I opted to not rock the boat. I stayed in my sweats, parked my butt on the floor, and read a magazine and listened to music instead.

My cleaning buddy

Eventually, we got our walk in. First, I hit the Dunkin Donuts drive through for my new favorite drink: the mint chocolate chip iced coffee (milk, no sugar–in case you want to surprise me sometime!). That baby came on our walk with us. We walked for about 30 minutes and then played on the playground for another 30 before returning home. A friend came over, bringing 3 bottles of wine over as a gift for me (so nice!!), and had a glass of wine with me while Jax played on the floor nearby.

These bouncy things are so much fun! But they’re very ugly.

Ok, so maybe I rode one of the bouncy things, too.

Jax bestowed me freely with plenty of kisses and hugs all day. He was affectionate, calm, well-rested, and tantrum free all the way until bedtime. At one point, he even curled up on the couch while we listened to music and he rested without a word. This lasted so long I had to check to make sure he hadn’t gotten into the medicine cabinet! I’ve never seen him so calm, quiet, and still (while staying awake) for so long! When I’d look over to see if he’d fallen asleep, he’d flash me a huge grin.

I can count on one finger the number of times he’s done this! Ha!

Around dinnertime, we made a frozen pizza (his favorite thing to do is pick off and eat some of the frozen cheese) because I didn’t feel like cooking. Then a different friend came over, and we had a glass of wine and played in the yard for 2 hours.

Bath at 8, bedtime at 8:30. After some snuggling with me and his newly discovered stuffed elephant (which I bought when I first found out I was pregnant with him), he was asleep by 9.

Mother’s Day was the kind of day my soul craved and exactly what I needed after two challenging days full of toddler tantrums. I am so grateful for having had such a peaceful, relaxing day with Jax. It was my best Mother’s Day yet.

Spreading Hope

12. May 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, Health/Fitness, My happiness project, Websites to look at · Tags: anxiety, babies, blog hops, depression, life, PPD, pregnancy, self-care, websites, wellness

Happy Mother’s Day!

It’s an extra special Mother’s Day for me this year because I’m part of something very meaningful to me and many others–the fifth annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health, hosted by Postpartum Progress–the world’s most widely read blog on postpartum depression (PPD) and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth.

The Rally is a 24-hour event that features 24 letters (one posted each hour) from survivors of PPD, postpartum anxiety (PPA), postpartum OCD, depression after weaning and/or postpartum psychosis. Their purpose is to inform and encourage pregnant and new moms who may be struggling with their emotional health. In Katherine Stone’s (of Postpartum Progress) words, the rally is a “massive dose of love, understanding and wisdom from lots of moms who’ve had postpartum depression and anxiety and the like.”

You’ll find me over there tonight. My post goes live at 8:00 pm (Eastern). It’s a post I wrote last year, but did not publish here, about my personal experience with PPD and PPA after Jax was born. It was difficult to write and required courage and strength to share. This holds true for the other 23 letters, too, so your support and words of encouragement over at Postpartum Progress are greatly appreciated.

If you’re active on Twitter, you can join the conversation by following and using the hashtag for the rally, which is #momsdayrally.

Here is the posting schedule:

Midnight – Welcome message and Sarah Pinnix, Real Life

1am – Lauren Hale, My Postpartum Voice

2am – Miranda Wicker, Not Super Just Mom

3am – Ana Clare Rouds

4am – Arja Lytle, Balance Body & Soul

5am – Yael Saar, PPD to Joy

6am – Cristi Comes, Motherhood Unadorned

7am – Robin Farr, Farewell Stranger

8am – Jen Hajer, The Martha Project

9am – Lori Bollinger, I Can Grow People

10am – JD Bailey, Honest Mom

11am – Abby Berner

noon – Andrea Scher, Superhero Life

1pm – Lori Garcia, Mommyfriend

2pm – Jane Roper, JaneRoper.com

3pm – Katie L., Overflowing Brain

4pm – Jenna Rosener, Blogged Bliss

5pm – Ninotchka Beavers, Twice Blessed

6pm – Alison Parson, Ms. Moody Mommy

7pm – Jessica Cohen, Found the Marbles

8pm – ME! :)

9pm – Kristen Chase, Motherhood Uncensored

10pm – Amber Koter-Puline, Beyond Postpartum

11pm – Jennifer Marshall, Bipolar Mom Life

I am deeply honored to be included in this event and look forward to reading every letter. May is Maternal Mental Health Month, and I can’t think of a better way to spread awareness than this rally. Click the image below to join us!

Crying Is Good, Dammit!

10. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: life lessons, My happiness project · Tags: health, life, self-care, wellness

I cry often. Sometimes this makes the people in my life very uncomfortable. It can make them a little judgy, too. There is such a stigma about crying–have you ever heard anyone say that crying means you’re weak, that it isn’t good to show emotion, not to ever let them see you vulnerable, and so on? I have, too many times to count.

I’ve also been called a “sissy” because I am quick to cry and have been told countless times by countless people that I need to “toughen up.”

What those people don’t get is that for some of us, crying is a way to release tension. Nothing more. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed or that I am not “tough” (whatever that actually means). It means I am releasing stress and tension in a way that feels good to me–and this is a positive thing! Physiologically speaking, tears activate parasympathetic activity, which helps relieve stress and ease distress.

Crying activates both the arousing sympathetic nervous system and the sedating parasympathetic nervous system. However, the latter is activated for a longer period, which no doubt explains why people tend to remember crying as a calming and cathartic experience. (Source)

Yes, crying around others does make me vulnerable, but I feel this vulnerability is usually a positive thing, with positive results (if you do it around the right person/people). I’ve strengthened relationships as a result of allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of others. Sure, I’ve also damaged relationships by wearing my heart on my sleeve, by not containing my emotions–but how solid were those relationships in the first place if they’re so easily strained?! I’ve found that crying has sometimes led to increased connection. I betcha Brene Brown would agree with me on this one.

I spent a little time this morning reading about the myriad benefits of crying. Did you know there are 3 types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional?

[Emotional] tears may have a number of social functions, in particular (1) communicating our emotions while emphasizing their depth and sincerity, (2) attracting attention, sympathy, and help at a time of danger, distress, or need, and (3) serving as a signal of appeasement, dependency, or attachment (for example, by blurring our vision and handicapping our aggressive and defensive actions). (Source)

In addition to all the social benefits of crying, there have been many studies stating the health benefits of emotional crying. For example, the chemicals that build up in your body as a result of stress are released through your tears.

Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. (Source)

If you’re someone who feels uncomfortable seeing others cry, please ask yourself why this is. Please try not to pass judgment on the crying individual or see their crying as weak or merely an attempt to garner attention. Please read this article.

Bottom line: It is healthy, not weak, to cry.

An Odd Act of Self-Care?

29. April 2013 · 1 comment · Categories: Anxiety, Family, Health/Fitness, Living better · Tags: anxiety, health, self-care, wellness

It’s Monday, and it’s raining. I think this calls for measures of extreme self-care.

I scheduled a routine physical examination months ago–just because–and this afternoon, I have to go to the appointment for the bloodwork results and remainder of the exam. Blah. I’m keeping anxiety at bay by avoiding caffeine this morning, which is painfully difficult given that I’ve slept poorly for a week now, and have I mentioned it’s a rainy Monday? I’m also listening to my favorite music while I work, and that’s helping to keep me focused and calm.

Some people think that having a routine physical and accompanying bloodwork is like asking for trouble–why look for any problems if you’re feeling fine?! But I think having this done every year or two is part of my responsibility to my family. I want to ensure I remain in optimal health as long as possible and figure out any problems before they really become problems. I know there is only so much you can do to protect your health, I do. And yes, maybe all my anxiety about the bloodwork and then waiting for results is doing more harm than good (assuming the results are fine), but I can’t shake the feeling that having a physical is not only an act of self-care but also the right thing to do for my family. I do not take good health for granted whatsoever. It is what I am most grateful for in life (besides Jax, of course).

So, to treat myself for my good behavior and to help alleviate some of my anxiety about my appointment later, I’m using my 2.5 hours of free time between work and the appointment to indulge in a few things that make me happy. Like blogging. Calling a friend to catch up on my drive home. A slow lunch in front of the tv. A bubble bath.

When was the last time you had a routine physical exam? Consider this your reminder to take care of yourself!

Indulging in Worry No More!

09. April 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Anxiety, I'm Doing It Right!, life lessons · Tags: anxiety, blog hops, self-care, wellness

I admit, it’s been increasingly difficult each week to keep up with this bloghop. Part of that is due to lack of time set aside for blogging, which I think is typical for bloggers when warm weather strikes after a miserable winter–we just want to go out and live life, not sit at the computer writing about it! The other part is that I’m struggling a little bit with patting myself on the back. Which, as I’ve said on Twitter, is why I must keep going with these weekly posts. Introspection and growth aren’t supposed to be easy, no?

What am I doing right?

The first thing that comes to mind is that I finally bought myself a new car. I didn’t buy the car I really wanted, the Kia Optima, because my experience at the dealership wasn’t awesome and because the monthly payment was just outside my comfort zone. I reconnected with an old friend who is a car salesperson for Chevy, and I let him wow me with a great deal on a new Cruze. It seemed the responsible thing to do, even though I had my heart set on something else. Buying a new car has been on my wish list for years, and I’m happy I bit the bullet and crossed that worry off my long list.

Last weekend, I spent tons of time outside. I basked in the sunshine and 60-degree temperature on a swing in my yard. I listened to a lot of music, I had a few beers, I (mostly) ignored my to do list, and it felt effing fantastic. I’m entirely convinced spring is my favorite season. The sudden shift from winter one day to spring the very next is always a thrilling surprise. I make plans and set goals in the spring. I am more positive, nearly happy even! Spring weather changes me for the better. I always begin to feel like myself again in spring.

What am I doing really right?

The most important thing I’m doing right is working toward letting go of emotions that don’t help me in any way, such as guilt and worry. I’ve become painfully aware that I’m letting my emotions make my decisions. For example, I can’t say no to people because I feel bad and worry I’m letting them down. Surely, they aren’t overanalyzing my response, whether it’s yes or no. The rational me understands this. The emotional me lets guilt and worry respond yes to most requests. I spend a lot of time worrying, and it’s exhausting and, honestly, kind of stupid. It’s a waste of time, and it does not change what will happen (or what has already happened).

I read an article while I was on vacation last month that stuck with me:

Now, worry is an ego thing – as if you had the power to change things by worrying about them. So to construct your mental instruction you’d say something like, “I no longer indulge in worry but concentrate my mind on the present moment.”

I loved that word “indulge” instantly when I saw it, because worry feels like an indulgence. When you think about it, it doesn’t do any good. It wastes time, like daydreaming. Only, where daydreaming serves a positive purpose, worry just feels bad. Not to mention, worry is physically harmful. And with all I’ve learned in therapy about mindfulness (for a good summary of the DBT skills associated with mindfulness, read this), I feel I ought to know better than to waste my time worrying–time I could be spending mindfully.

So I adopted the mantra “I no longer indulge in worry.” And I’m using it. Not daily, because some days I completely forget about it. But nobody’s perfect!

What are you doing right?