Yesterday was so much different than today is shaping up to be. Jax woke up close to 3:00 am on Monday morning to use the bathroom, and he was unable to fall back to sleep. After 2 hours of laying next to him as he tossed and turned while I tried to manage my anger and frustration, we got out of his bed around 5:30 and went into the living room, turned on the tv, and lay on the couch. I drafted a two-line e-mail to my boss, calling out of work for the day.
One unfair truth about me is that I cannot function on 3 hours of sleep. I’ve tried and failed countless times. I am an entirely different person when I am sleep deprived. I am angry, resentful, impatient, pessimistic, and sometimes downright mean. I also tend to rant about my lack of sleep on Twitter. And then I feel guilty and embarrassed about that. And I haven’t even gotten to mentioning the physical side effects of sleep deprivation that wreak their havoc! To me, sleep deprivation feels a lot like the flu.
My tribe on Twitter—aka, my friends—have done their best to reassure me that my ranting on Twitter is actually a positive thing, that it is always good to reach out when we are despairing. I am trying to convince myself of this, but it’s a long, slow process. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to see my ranting as a positive thing, even though when people respond warmly it does help me. Even a simple “I struggle, too” is helpful. With that in mind, I’m trying to stop berating myself for tweeting angrily in the middle of the night, as it obviously does serve a purpose: I feel less alone with each and every response to those tweets. It’s also comforting, I’m sorry to say, to not be the only person awake at 4 in the morning!
Last night, I gave both Jax and myself melatonin before bedtime in a desperate attempt to reset both our sleep clocks. We snuggled up at 8:30 and were both asleep by 9. I think I woke up once or twice, but overall we both got plenty of sleep. I’m having an amazing day so far. I don’t think it’s any coincidence.
My mood is bright, even though it’s chilly and gray outside. I’m not angry. I’m not in survival mode. It feels great to be optimistic and cheerful. Maybe it’s no coincidence either that I’ve been complimented several times so far today and that people have done nice things for me.
If you are one of the people who responded to me in the middle of the night, thank you. Your words help. To those who checked in with me yesterday, thank you, too. I appreciate you more than you know! Sleep deprivation is no joke.