Sleepy Rants on Twitter

23. April 2013 · 8 comments · Categories: Sleep · Tags: ,

sleeping ladyYesterday was so much different than today is shaping up to be. Jax woke up close to 3:00 am on Monday morning to use the bathroom, and he was unable to fall back to sleep. After 2 hours of laying next to him as he tossed and turned while I tried to manage my anger and frustration, we got out of his bed around 5:30 and went into the living room, turned on the tv, and lay on the couch. I drafted a two-line e-mail to my boss, calling out of work for the day.

One unfair truth about me is that I cannot function on 3 hours of sleep. I’ve tried and failed countless times. I am an entirely different person when I am sleep deprived. I am angry, resentful, impatient, pessimistic, and sometimes downright mean. I also tend to rant about my lack of sleep on Twitter. And then I feel guilty and embarrassed about that. And I haven’t even gotten to mentioning the physical side effects of sleep deprivation that wreak their havoc! To me, sleep deprivation feels a lot like the flu.

My tribe on Twitter—aka, my friends—have done their best to reassure me that my ranting on Twitter is actually a positive thing, that it is always good to reach out when we are despairing. I am trying to convince myself of this, but it’s a long, slow process. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to see my ranting as a positive thing, even though when people respond warmly it does help me. Even a simple “I struggle, too” is helpful. With that in mind, I’m trying to stop berating myself for tweeting angrily in the middle of the night, as it obviously does serve a purpose: I feel less alone with each and every response to those tweets. It’s also comforting, I’m sorry to say, to not be the only person awake at 4 in the morning!

Last night, I gave both Jax and myself melatonin before bedtime in a desperate attempt to reset both our sleep clocks. We snuggled up at 8:30 and were both asleep by 9. I think I woke up once or twice, but overall we both got plenty of sleep. I’m having an amazing day so far. I don’t think it’s any coincidence.

My mood is bright, even though it’s chilly and gray outside. I’m not angry. I’m not in survival mode. It feels great to be optimistic and cheerful. Maybe it’s no coincidence either that I’ve been complimented several times so far today and that people have done nice things for me.

If you are one of the people who responded to me in the middle of the night, thank you. Your words help. To those who checked in with me yesterday, thank you, too. I appreciate you more than you know! Sleep deprivation is no joke.

 

BlogHer ’12 While Sleepy & Anxious

07. August 2012 · 1 comment · Categories: Anxiety, Blogging, Health/Fitness, Living better, Sleep, Travels · Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

NYCLast August, I bought my ticket to BlogHer ’12 in New York City without a single worry (so unlike me!). Over the next half year or more, I easily spent hours daydreaming about a weekend-long slumber party with my roommates, all the fantastic NYC pizza I could cram into my belly, late nights, parties, glitter (!), and so on.

But that’s not exactly how it went down.

For more than a week leading up to the conference, I had insomnia. Most nights, I slept great the first few hours and then woke up after midnight, unable to return to sleep for many hours, if at all. The night before I left for BlogHer ’12, I slept from 9:30 until 12:30, and then I was awake until 4:00, at which time I finally fell asleep watching Netflix. My alarm woke me up at 4:30. Ouch.

If you’ve ever suffered from insomnia, you know that the worst part is the anxiety that you may never sleep well again. And you know that the worst thing you can do is lay awake in bed thinking about how you can’t sleep. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. You can’t sleep, so you worry. Then your worry keeps you awake.

Add in a conference in the city that never sleeps, and you end up with a recipe for disaster. Or at least for enormous amounts of anxiety.

Zombie-Like

The first day at the conference, after 3 modes of transportation and several hours, I arrived at the conference in a dreamlike state. I walked through the exhibit hall like a zombie. I sat through a session just hoping I wouldn’t fall asleep in my chair. I counted the hours until it would be acceptable to go to bed. I worried that my roommates would think I was boring, unenergetic, disinterested, you name it. I also worried about how much I would miss out on because of my quest for sleep–sessions, parties, swag, hugs with the long list of women I had been dying to meet for so long!

Worry, worry, worry. Is it any wonder I struggled to sleep?

Some Advice about Insomnia

My advice, in hindsight after experiencing insomnia at a conference, is this:

  • If at all possible, find an insomnia conference buddy before you get there. I was fortunate to exchange phone numbers with another attendee who doesn’t sleep well. And in the event I needed to get out of my room to take a walk or even just commiserate via text, I’d have used that number. Instead, though, I texted a friend who works the night shift and he helped calm me down during an anxiety attack on that first night as I lay in bed wide awake at 1:30 in the morning while my roomate slept soundly next to me. So if you can’t find a fellow insomniac attendee, see if you can find someone back at home who is up in the night.
  • Bring whatever sleep aid (pharmaceutical or not) you rely on at home on the rough nights. I packed Yogi Calming tea, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, and earplugs. I should have also packed Benadryl and a sleep mask, and next time I will.
  • Get out of bed! The good thing about conferences like BlogHer is that there is always something to do, at any given time of the day or night. So if you’re the kind of insomniac who likes to get up out of bed for a while, it’s easy to go explore, alone or with others. I am the kind of insomniac who is afraid to get out of bed for fear of becoming even more stimulated and more awake, so I did not leave my room–which is against all the sleep advice I’ve ever read.
  • Tell your roommates what’s going on. I’m certain they will be sympathetic and try to be quiet coming in and out of the room while you’re sleeping or napping. I lucked out with my roommates, who were so sympathetic to my quest for sleep. One of them even gave me a massage before bed–and it helped! I slept much better that night.
  • Which brings me to this helpful hint–go grab a massage or make use of any other pampering the conference has to offer! Maybe a little relaxation is just what you need!
My roommates

Best roommates ever (but we’re missing one in this pic).

 

Some Advice about Anxiety

  • To curb anxiety, whether related to insomnia or not, I advise making sure you don’t skip meals and that you snack every few hours. It was easy to snack throughout BlogHer. The exhibit hall alone offered more snacks than one could eat in an entire week! I’m still working my way through all the granola bars I was given.
  • Drink plenty of water.
  • Take a nap in the middle of the day if your nighttime schedule looks intense. It is less pathetic to take a nap at 1:00 than it is to head to bed at 9:00, believe me.
  • And keep handy this list. Mine is bookmarked on my phone. When I’m feeling tense or anxious, I try to work my way through the list until I feel better.
  • Take it easy on yourself–travel is stressful for most of us and this can manifest itself in many ways! Some of us have irritable stomachs, others of us have anxiety. It is most likely that nobody is judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself, the same way you wouldn’t hold someone’s travel-induced stomach ache against them!

Have you ever been away from home and struggling with anxiety or insomnia? How did you cope?

 

 

 

 

Goals for August

01. August 2012 · 2 comments · Categories: Family, Living better, My happiness project, Sleep, Travels · Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I have to admit, this post is being written simply for the sake of adding new content–probably not the best idea for a post and possibly breaking all kinds of unspoken blogger rules, but it’s all I’ve got right now. You see, life has become incredibly busy, complicated, and sleepless over the past few weeks. Once again, I’m in this insomnia cycle, where I’m waking every 2 hours all night long, sometimes unable to fall back to sleep for hours. Last weekend, it culminated in an all-nighter Saturday night. And get this–I had even taken melatonin that night! But enough of the woe is me talk. I do so much complaining about sleep on Twitter that I probably should spare my blog readers!

In a more positive light, I’ve been brainstorming my hopes and goals for the month of August–Jax’s and my birthday month! August is typically my family’s busiest month, with girls’ nights out to celebrate my birthday and all the birthday events for the kiddo, plus last-minute end-of-summer shore trips and other fun things. You know the feeling, I bet–that frantic rush to get done all the things you’d hoped to spend your summer doing but life got in the way!

The biggest goal I have for this month is to manage to find some downtime for the whole family. It is easy for me to overschedule us without realizing it, and I’m afraid this has already happened to some degree. Here is just a peek at some of the things we’ve got planned: BlogHer ’12, birthday girls’ night out, a picnic day at Great Adventure, three family birthdays (me, Jax, my mother-in-law), four birthday parties,  and some dog sitting! Whew!

Given that my husband and I both work full time, most of those things occur on the weekends–leaving very little time for relaxation on weekends. So I guess we’ll have to have calm, event-free weeknights to balance out the crazy weekends! Which for me means lots of bubble baths, I hope. (Note to self: stock up on LUSH products as soon as possible!)

My second biggest goal for this month is to make it to the beach once, maybe twice if I’m really good at planning and juggling. Even if it’s just for a late dinner and a stroll on the boardwalk.

One hope I have for August is that my sweet friend has her baby (preferably after I return from the BlogHer conference!) easily and peacefully. I cannot wait to meet (and hold) this little one.

I also hope for the return of deep, long sleep. That one’s obvious.

Macaroons. They are a goal of mine. Must get some.

Another goal/hope for this month is to reconnect and rebuild a few of my personal relationships that are currently strained or in need of some attention.

I hope that going to BlogHer ’12 refuels my passion for all things blog related. I have been struggling to post lately, as well as to make time to read my favorite blogs. I think it is a side effect of the insomnia and busy schedule more than a lack of ideas. And I don’t hold out hope that attending the conference and hanging out with some of the most awesome and inspiring women in the country is going to cure my insomnia or free up my schedule, but I know it will spark something that may result in a proliferation of new posts to come. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Finally, I hope that turning 35 isn’t painful. That number is ugly & scary to me, but I’m not sure why. I’d almost rather be turning 36 than 35. But I found this article and it gives me a little hope. A very little, but I’m clinging to it.

What are your end-of-summer goals? Better yet, if you’re 35 or older, tell me some good things about turning 35! 

The PWR (Post-Weaning Report)

26. June 2012 · 5 comments · Categories: Anxiety, breastfeeding, Breastfeeding adventures, Sleep, Toddlerhood, weaning · Tags: , , , , , ,

This post is for all you breastfeeders out there (dudes, you might want to skip it). I’ve had some trouble finding resources that provide the nitty-gritty details about what weaning a toddler from breastfeeding feels like.

As you know if you’re a regular here, Jax self-weaned on May 12 after 2 years and 9 months of nursing (a lot, up until age 2). Since then, I’ve had issues with anxiety, soreness, and insomnia. I can’t say whether those issues are definitely related, so take this post with a grain of salt. I am simply sharing my experience these past 6 weeks.

First, let’s talk anxiety. I’ve detailed previously how I have severe PMS occasionally that makes me feel like an emotional basketcase. Because Jax weaned very close to my period in May, I’ve really had only one full cycle since weaning, and the lactation consultant I spoke with last week said that it could take several cycles for my hormones to “level out.” Probably every other cycle, maybe every third cycle even, I have 1-2 days (about a week before my period) where the anxiety is relentless. This past cycle–the first full cycle post-weaning–was the worst. My anxiety started a full 7-8 days before my period. I can deal with a day or two of having to skip coffee and sugar, take an extra bubble bath or two, and generally take it easy. But a week?! I’m a full-time working mom with a hectic schedule. Let’s be realistic–I can’t practice extreme self-care for 7 or 8 days! So that was a tough week. But it passed & I haven’t had any anxiety since. I’m staying off the caffeine permanently, though (so I say now).Thank god for decaf & herbal tea!

As far as sadness or depression–I didn’t feel sad about weaning, oddly enough (to me). I had expected to be upset at the end of nursing. But guess what? I’m not! Perhaps part of it is that I’d been thinking about it for months before it happened. Part of it is that Jax initiated it & hasn’t asked since. The biggest reason is that 2 years and 9 months is outstanding, and I’m really proud of that achievement. I set my breastfeeding goals low initially–I was hopeful to nurse my newborn during my maternity leave. Then, once that was going well, I aimed for 6 months. Then when we hit that, I aimed for a year. After the year mark, I stopped making goals until, I admit, I becamed determined to have him weaned by age 3.

So, the little sadness I have felt the past 6 weeks snuck up on me and surprised me. It has been difficult for me to determine whether it’s a hormonal post-weaning thing or whether it’s part of the strangest grieving process I’ve ever had, given the situation with my dad (who died in May, only 4 days after Jax weaned). I’ve had a few random days that felt like major PMS–weeping at other people’s bad news, commercials and tv shows, sad songs, you name it. I keep telling myself that it is normal and will pass–and it definitely seems to have resolved (though I’m afraid to say that out loud & jinx it!).

Second, the soreness. Ouch, the soreness. For the first month after weaning–yes, an entire month–my boobs felt so sore! You know how toddlers are with their heads, bashing you with them constantly, right? Well, every time Jax bashed his big ol’ head into my chest, I winced and/or yelped. Fortunately, that feeling has subsided and toddler headbutts aren’t as painful anymore (unfortunately, I think my boobs have shrunk a little!). I  spent so much time the past month feeling for clogs that didn’t happen (if I have a peeping tom, I’m sure I made him happy, haha). My advice to those in the middle of weaning? Use ice compresses, sleep in a bra, and be vigilant for potential clogs.

Third, the insomnia. I’m not sure what that’s all about, actually. A quick Google search of “weaning and insomnia” brings up plenty of results, which is kind of reassuring. I appreciated what Ask Moxie said about weaning and feeling down, including having sleepless nights: Get 15 minutes of exercise plus a 15-minute massage and an omega-3 supplement daily. Sounds good to me! I do notice that I feel better on the days I walk during my lunchbreak, and I always take an omega-3 supplement anyway. Just have to figure out how to get that daily massage!

In short, every woman will have a different weaning experience. Mine has included a little anxiety, a smidge of sadness, a lot of soreness, and insomnia–no walk in the park. But I’m optimistic those symptoms aren’t my new normal, and I’m knowledgeable how to cope with them if they get to be too much.

If you weaned your baby or toddler, I’d love to hear about your experience!

 

Mondays… Sigh.

25. June 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Living better, My happiness project · Tags: , , ,

I’m having a party today—a pity party! I decided that Mondays aren’t crappy enough, so last night I had a terrible night of sleep (peppered with really strange dreams), the effects of which are lingering. And just for good measure, let’s add in an upset stomach, an annoying phone call at work, a sugary breakfast (and minus coffee, to boot!), and a lot of gray clouds. Since I’m already down, why not also skip my lunchtime walk with my friends, too, while we’re at it!

See? I’m having a helluva pity party, and not a single guest bothered to RSVP. These things would be so much more fun with friends & drinks! And balloons. Maybe some confetti, too. And definitely cupcakes.

On days like today, I know what to do—but actually doing it is the hard part. Since I’ve been a mother—more importantly, since my bout of postpartum depression—I’ve come to appreciate self-care as a necessary aspect of overall health. When self-care is lacking, I am not at my best.

The negative thoughts—for instance, Why would anyone want to talk to/hang out with/love me?—are unrelenting. I’m telling them to bugger off and trying to accept them as lies my brain is telling me because it’s SO tired. Tonight I’m going to pencil in a bubble bath if my husband and kiddo allow it can play on their own for at least a half hour before bedtime. I’ll even trade in my glass of wine for a mug of chamomile and my iPhone for a book!

But until then, while I’m stuck in the office, here is my battle plan:

  • Listen to whatever mellow (but not depressing) music exists on my iPod.
  • Tea, not coffee. I’ve recently found a tea that I really like! It’s called Calming, and it’s made by Yogi. Even the little sayings on the paper thingee you hold (tea lovers, what is that thing called?!) are awesome. And some days, I take a tea break with a friend, which I swear makes the tea taste even better!
  • Lots of water & no more sugary snacks. (I’m talking to you, cheese danish!)
  • A physical break once per hour to get up & stretch, even if I don’t leave my cubicle. I have reminders all over my (gray, depressing) cubicle of the things I enjoy—there are 24 photos of Jax (how many would be overkill?!), a fun photo of me and my husband on a cruise, a photo of a Buddha statue that my friend took a million years ago, a photo of a wishie (y’know, those weeds you blow after making a wish) from another friend, and a plant (that is slowly dying because I have a black thumb). On days like today, I must remember to look at these things!

Exactly as I was writing that last paragraph, my co-worker stopped by and started chatting with me. Without knowing what I was writing, she mentioned that going to the gym is her version of self-care because it makes her feel better and it’s something she does solely for her own benefit.

I disagree, having had a minute to dwell on our conversation. Self-care isn’t selfish at all. Think of how our moods affect so many people around us!

Maybe I should get my ass to a gym!

What do you do when you’re hosting a pity party?

 

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