Thought-provoking Thursday

A Hard Day

16. May 2013 · 4 comments · Categories: Family, life lessons, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: anger, fatherhood, life

Today marks one year since my biological father passed suddenly. I’m not sure what to think or feel, let alone write here. But I wanted to acknowledge the uncertainty and make peace with it for today, so here I am, freewriting to help me process what’s going on inside.

We weren’t close when he died. We hadn’t talked in 11 or 12 years, and we had also spent 7 or 8 years before that without speaking. That means he missed more than half my life. Do I have regrets about that? Sure, I do. I’m human, afterall. I have a lot of questions about his life without me and my brother in it. I have to live with the fact that I’ll probably never know what he was like, except for a few tweets I saw and what is public on his Facebook page, and maybe a few questions I can ask of people who did know him at the end of his life (if I can ever bring myself to ask). We never had an adult relationship. He never met my son, and I don’t think he knew he was a grandfather. All I have are my childhood and adolescent memories, many of which aren’t good or comforting. Should I cling to the ones that make me smile, ignoring the painful ones? Is that doing myself a disservice, or is that being kind to myself? What will I share with Jax some day?

Those are some of the thoughts that run through my head today and occasionally at other times. I don’t know what to do with the questions, the emotions that range from sadness to anger to guilt, or any of it.

How do you forgive someone who is dead? I tell myself that he was mentally ill and also in physical pain, and my empathy for those who struggle helps alleviate some of my pain about our relationship. I tell myself that because he wasn’t in my life, I was able to be closer to my stepfather, who has been a strong, positive influence for 30 of my 35 years. I remind myself that life would have been very different for me, my brother, and my mom had she not divorced him when I was little. I think about what I know about his relationship with his third child, my half-brother, whom I first met at the funeral, and I take comfort in thinking that my dad learned from his mistakes with me and my brother and was a better father to his third child. I tell myself that I have learned from those mistakes, too, and that I am a better parent as a result.

I guess the best thing to do today is allow myself to grieve for the relationship I didn’t have with my dad after the age of 15. And breathe.

Kids Are So Strange: What I Love (But Sometimes Don’t) About My Little Weirdo

24. January 2013 · 6 comments · Categories: My happiness project, Raising a boy, the parenting club, Thought-provoking Thursday, Toddlerhood · Tags: just for fun, life, toddlerhood

Every mother can probably think of a thousand strange things her child does that only a parent could love.

Conversations About Poop

My list begins with all our conversations, initiated by Jax, about poop. For example, this one: “Why do birds poop on cars? Why is their poop so sticky? They probably eat a lot of bread and butter and macaroni and cheese.” That’s a direct quotation from Jax, as we drove to daycare in the morning last week. It’s gross, all this focus on poop, but I do admire his curiosity about everything. And his question phase is still so brand new that I find it cute. I’m sure that won’t last much longer!

The Beauty of a Fish Oil Supplement

Every day, when I take my handful of vitamins and supplements, Jax tells me how much he loves my fish oil pill in particular. He thinks it is “beautiful” and asks if he’s allowed to hold it. I sometimes oblige, strategically hovering to ensure he doesn’t drop it around Rooney, although he’s eaten his fair share of fish oil pills and survived. I enjoy that my 3-year-old finds the beauty in a translucent, oval fish oil pill. It reminds me that beauty is all around us, if we just look, and that touch is powerful, necessary, transformative. I can honestly say I have never admired the beauty of a fish oil pill until Jax noticed it and made me see it his way.

This is what I have to jump over most mornings!

Making a Bed on the Bathroom Floor

Most mornings, Jax lay on the bathroom floor while I shower. He doesn’t get in my way at all. He lets me shower mostly in peace the majority of the time. I hardly would notice he’s there, except that he usually forgets to close the bathroom door and I feel a rush of cold air. I try to remember, before I get in the shower, to bunch up my pajamas into a pillow shape for him, so he won’t have to lay his head on the cold tile floor. I think it’s adorable when he uses my pajama pillow.

Re-framing

Of course, those things I listed above sometimes drive me insane. Can you imagine hearing nonstop poop talk? I mean, who wants to think about poop for more than 1 second?! Or even at all?! And some days, I’d like to take my vitamins in peace, without my 3-year-old needing to play with them first. And what mother doesn’t miss pre-baby showering, when you could take as long as you wanted and not have to step over a child on the way out? Some days, I risk my life jumping–literally–out of a wet bath tub over my son, careful to try to land on the bathmat instead of the tile floor so I don’t break my back! All without losing my towel, no less!

I use reframing ALL. THE. TIME. You know the drill: Trying to change your self-talk from “Oh my god, how annoying!” to “Oh, how cute!” Most days, it works. Other days, not so much.

What I’d love to know is how to reframe a toddler climbing all over your body when you’re trying to accomplish a chore you hate, like folding laundry! Is it possible?

What do you love about your kid most of the time (but find annoying other times)?

Where Is the Sun?!

17. January 2013 · 4 comments · Categories: Living better, My happiness project, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: blogging, goals, Happiness, seasonal affective disorder, self-care, social media, work

It’s been gray here for a week, at least. I’ve lost count of the cold, dreary days. I’m trying to use the SAD lamp my parents bought me for Christmas; most days I can squeeze in 15-30 minutes, but not today–and it shows! Today, I feel like it’s never going to be sunny and warm again. I also feel like a shell of myself. Where has my usual confidence disappeared to? I’m writing this post at the beginning of my lunch break after half a day of feeling incompetent and, frankly, kind of dumb. Like everyone else around me is so much smarter than I am, and soon they’ll figure that out.

I guess it could be a case of overload. I am struggling to keep up with all the new things I’m learning at work. I need a few extra hours in the day–every day–to process and organize all this information, as well as all my innovative ideas and suggestions, at my own pace. I do things quickly, to cross them off my list. I’d like to spend more time thinking about the process, making sure I fully understand it. But it doesn’t feel like I have that luxury right now because there is simply too much to be done.

Social media overload is getting me down, too. I’m not one to compare myself to others, usually–I know better and can curb that temptation pretty well; yet this week, when I log into Facebook, I find myself wondering why certain individuals get a whole lot of attention, support, and love and I don’t. (But really, I do! It just isn’t displayed on Facebook!) I feel left out on Twitter because I haven’t had the time to keep up with things there. I missed a G+ chat with my best bloggy friends earlier this week, and I’m still sad about it.

Most days, all of this is a non-issue for me. There’s just something about this week…

It’s gotta be that it hasn’t been sunny here in so long.

Or that last week, I felt like I was on top of the world, with lots of positive feedback and good news, new goals, and socializing. The blog hop was so well-received, which was a surprise and a nice start to the week. Blogging in general was fantastic for the first 2 weeks of 2013, with a few opportunities to make some bucks and a bunch of new subscribers (who will probably unsubscribe after this miserable post!). Last week still had that new year feel to it. I started running. I had some fun nights with friends. But now it’s just boring old mid-January. Blah.

It’s apparent to me that the best place for me to be today isn’t online, but rather in my own head. Days like today, if we use them correctly, help us to re-evaluate where we devote our energy–are we spending too much time online instead of with the people close to us (at least physically)? Are we comparing ourselves to others too much? How can that be changed? What are the other changes we want to make? In my work life, I want to declutter my desk, organize my notes for the new tasks I’ve learned in the past year, and practice skills that I’m not confident about just yet. These are the things I need to find time to do so I feel generally better.

After I finish this work day and the tasks I perform each night at home (dinner, cleaning up, bathing Jax, etc), I’m promising myself a half hour to sit quietly and think about my goals for the next few weeks. Not for the year, as that feels too overwhelming right now. Maybe I’ll write a short list–because I can’t deny my list-making tendencies–of the things bugging me and brainstorm what to do about them.

And then I’ll make a list of the things I am happy about and grateful for, just to balance things out. Topping that list, for sure, are my friends and family. I’m very lucky in that department. In all departments, really.

See? It’s already working. Things are looking up! I just needed to write, stream-of-consciousness style, to remind myself that life is really good, despite the lack of sunshine.

It feels appropriate now to bust out into a rendition of this:

Did you laugh? Me too. Thanks for reading.

photo by: h.koppdelaney

September (A Stream of Consciousness Post)

27. September 2012 · 8 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, My happiness project, On writing, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: anxiety, balance, depression, fears, goals, Happiness, self-care, wellness, writing

September has been the most emotional month of this year for me (as it seems to be most years), from highs to lows to happiness to anxiety and sadness. Transparency and authenticity are objectives I will always strive for in this space I’ve created here. But I am a private person—as much as any blogger can actually be—so I struggle with how much to say!

So I’ll start with this: It feels lately as if I’m having a kind of emotional mini-crisis, unless crisis is too strong a word for what this is (jury’s still out). I hear Bjork singing in my head today, “There’s more to life than this.” There must be more to life than looking forward to bedtime in the hope you actually sleep well that night. There must be more to life than doing the same job, day in and day out, and hoping for a decent pay increase that’s better than last year’s, because we all know money solves everything. There must be more to life than finding enjoyment in drinking a glass of wine with dinner because it helps you relax, and you really need to relax. There must be more to life than shopping, than keeping busy and distracted by chores, than list-making. There must be more to life than telling yourself that if you just make it to “X” month or day, things will get better.

I am a cynic and a pessimist, and I don’t want to be anymore. I am exhausted by my constant negative thoughts (about myself and my life, not about others). I have plenty of things for which to be grateful and insanely happy! Yes, I have had some sadness, but no more than anyone else I know (I think). Overall, there has been more to celebrate than to grieve. But I still find myself unsatisfied.

There’s a very loud voice in my head that says, “You ungrateful bitch, you don’t even have a challenging existence! Who do you think you are?! Why are you so miserable? Why can’t you just be happy?” And the voice wins, most days, and I am awash in guilt over all my “venting” and whining and general anxiety and moodiness. I worry that my friends find me annoying and pathetic. I worry, even, that my Twitter followers will unfollow me if I keep it up. I try to contain my negativity, yet somehow it spills out anyway. My biggest fear in life is abandonment (and I have years of therapy under my belt to back this up).

I know I’m probably being too hard on myself, that some of this is just human nature and I should cut myself some slack, especially since this time of year always has the potential to turn me into a slobbering mess. But the other side of the equation, for me, is that I don’t want Jax to do this to himself when he’s older. Nor do I want him to think of me as a total downer. I want to be better for him, if not first for myself.

So I’m embarking on something new this week in the realm of personal development. I’m trying to suspend my disbelief and take a friend’s advice that may help me let go of some of my negativity. I’m silencing the mockery I hear in my own head, and I’m concentrating on philosophies that seem far out but also soothing. I’m reading about how to fall in love with myself, because I don’t have a freaking clue how to do this (do you know?) but I do know, from what I’ve been reading so far, it’s apparently quite important to do. I read that good things will come to me if I can just learn how to love myself.

I need good things to come to me–so shut up, cynical self!

This morning, my day began (well before my alarm clock) with some YouTube videos my friend emailed to me. And from there, I caught up on some recent blog posts by Brene Brown. I have decided to read her books, and soon. I googled—don’t laugh—”positivity.” I revisited one of my favorite, and often forgotten, websites, Marc and Angel Hack Life. I stayed off Twitter most of the day, until I retweeted the hell out of Marc and Angel’s tweets because so many of them resonated with me.

I’m trying. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.

Tonight I’m going to stop at a drugstore and buy a notebook. Having been a writer for 25 of my 35 years, buying a new notebook is meaningful and sometimes life-changing for me. It signifies a brand new start, and every notebook I’ve ever begun has always begun positively, full of energy and hope. And so in the spirit of a fresh start, and because there’s no denying how much I love to write and how introspective I am, I’m going to fill this new notebook with snippets of all the things I’m reading and learning–but without any pressure to make it pretty. The objective is simple–writing things down or taping them into a central location will help me remember them and keep them handy for the bad days, when I’m going to flip through the notebook and find comfort there, I hope.

Do you keep a “positivity notebook,” for lack of a better term? Or, can you recommend some uplifting, positive, personal development-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way websites or books I shouldn’t miss?

Parenting Sans Makeup?

12. April 2012 · 8 comments · Categories: Health/Fitness, My happiness project, Raising a boy, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: Happiness, life, values

Here’s a snippet of something I read in a magazine the other day that got stuck in my brain: “Skip makeup sometimes, and show [your kids] that you’re okay with how you look…. With or without makeup, you are pretty powerful.” -Redbook (May issue)

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed my current interest in makeup. I’ve always been interested as far back as my memory goes, but lately that interest has kicked into high gear. It’s a temporary flare-up that happens every once in a great while, usually when I have a few extra bucks to spend and Jax doesn’t need new socks or anything. I like to refer to buying a new lipstick as self-care. C’mon ladies, don’t you agree it feels really good to splurge on a new tube, smear it on, and make kissy-faces in the mirror? Or maybe snap a few pics of your pucker to plaster on Instagram?

So when I read that advice up at the top of this post, it made me pause and think about a few things. First, how often does my son see me without makeup on? Second, what does that really matter to a boy, or to any toddler, really? Will Jax really associate my wearing makeup with having an insecurity or with how powerful I am?

That just seems like a stretch to me. But what do I know?

I don’t feel more or less powerful with or without makeup on. And I don’t mind letting going naked sometimes (my face, that is). It’s probably really healthy for my skin (even though I use primarily natural and/or organic products that are supposedly very nurturing for my skin) to let it “breathe.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love taking off my makeup at night, sometimes even immediately after dinner. But I equally love putting it on, like I’m painting on a fresh canvas. And I love how different lighting can change a look instantly.

So I’m going to ignore the magazine’s implication that if I wear makeup I’m not okay with how I look, as well as their implications about parenting while wearing makeup. Wearing makeup makes me feel pretty and happy. Feeling pretty gives me confidence. A confident, happy momma is a good role model for any child.

Hey Jax, pass me that lipstick, will ya?

Photo credit: Dhini van Heeren