A Hard Day

16. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: Family, life lessons, Thought-provoking Thursday · Tags: , ,

Today marks one year since my biological father passed suddenly. I’m not sure what to think or feel, let alone write here. But I wanted to acknowledge the uncertainty and make peace with it for today, so here I am, freewriting to help me process what’s going on inside.

We weren’t close when he died. We hadn’t talked in 11 or 12 years, and we had also spent 7 or 8 years before that without speaking. That means he missed more than half my life. Do I have regrets about that? Sure, I do. I’m human, afterall. I have a lot of questions about his life without me and my brother in it. I have to live with the fact that I’ll probably never know what he was like, except for a few tweets I saw and what is public on his Facebook page, and maybe a few questions I can ask of people who did know him at the end of his life (if I can ever bring myself to ask). We never had an adult relationship. He never met my son, and I don’t think he knew he was a grandfather. All I have are my childhood and adolescent memories, many of which aren’t good or comforting. Should I cling to the ones that make me smile, ignoring the painful ones? Is that doing myself a disservice, or is that being kind to myself? What will I share with Jax some day?

Those are some of the thoughts that run through my head today and occasionally at other times. I don’t know what to do with the questions, the emotions that range from sadness to anger to guilt, or any of it.

How do you forgive someone who is dead? I tell myself that he was mentally ill and also in physical pain, and my empathy for those who struggle helps alleviate some of my pain about our relationship. I tell myself that because he wasn’t in my life, I was able to be closer to my stepfather, who has been a strong, positive influence for 30 of my 35 years. I remind myself that life would have been very different for me, my brother, and my mom had she not divorced him when I was little. I think about what I know about his relationship with his third child, my half-brother, whom I first met at the funeral, and I take comfort in thinking that my dad learned from his mistakes with me and my brother and was a better father to his third child. I tell myself that I have learned from those mistakes, too, and that I am a better parent as a result.

I guess the best thing to do today is allow myself to grieve for the relationship I didn’t have with my dad after the age of 15. And breathe.

 

Crying Is Good, Dammit!

10. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: life lessons, My happiness project · Tags: , , ,

I cry often. Sometimes this makes the people in my life very uncomfortable. It can make them a little judgy, too. There is such a stigma about crying–have you ever heard anyone say that crying means you’re weak, that it isn’t good to show emotion, not to ever let them see you vulnerable, and so on? I have, too many times to count.

I’ve also been called a “sissy” because I am quick to cry and have been told countless times by countless people that I need to “toughen up.”

What those people don’t get is that for some of us, crying is a way to release tension. Nothing more. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed or that I am not “tough” (whatever that actually means). It means I am releasing stress and tension in a way that feels good to me–and this is a positive thing! Physiologically speaking, tears activate parasympathetic activity, which helps relieve stress and ease distress.

Crying activates both the arousing sympathetic nervous system and the sedating parasympathetic nervous system. However, the latter is activated for a longer period, which no doubt explains why people tend to remember crying as a calming and cathartic experience. (Source)

Yes, crying around others does make me vulnerable, but I feel this vulnerability is usually a positive thing, with positive results (if you do it around the right person/people). I’ve strengthened relationships as a result of allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of others. Sure, I’ve also damaged relationships by wearing my heart on my sleeve, by not containing my emotions–but how solid were those relationships in the first place if they’re so easily strained?! I’ve found that crying has sometimes led to increased connection. I betcha Brene Brown would agree with me on this one.

I spent a little time this morning reading about the myriad benefits of crying. Did you know there are 3 types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional?

[Emotional] tears may have a number of social functions, in particular (1) communicating our emotions while emphasizing their depth and sincerity, (2) attracting attention, sympathy, and help at a time of danger, distress, or need, and (3) serving as a signal of appeasement, dependency, or attachment (for example, by blurring our vision and handicapping our aggressive and defensive actions). (Source)

In addition to all the social benefits of crying, there have been many studies stating the health benefits of emotional crying. For example, the chemicals that build up in your body as a result of stress are released through your tears.

Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. (Source)

If you’re someone who feels uncomfortable seeing others cry, please ask yourself why this is. Please try not to pass judgment on the crying individual or see their crying as weak or merely an attempt to garner attention. Please read this article.

Bottom line: It is healthy, not weak, to cry.

 the_cure_for_anything_is_salt_water

Indulging in Worry No More!

09. April 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Anxiety, I'm Doing It Right!, life lessons · Tags: , , ,

I admit, it’s been increasingly difficult each week to keep up with this bloghop. Part of that is due to lack of time set aside for blogging, which I think is typical for bloggers when warm weather strikes after a miserable winter–we just want to go out and live life, not sit at the computer writing about it! The other part is that I’m struggling a little bit with patting myself on the back. Which, as I’ve said on Twitter, is why I must keep going with these weekly posts. Introspection and growth aren’t supposed to be easy, no?

What am I doing right?

The first thing that comes to mind is that I finally bought myself a new car. I didn’t buy the car I really wanted, the Kia Optima, because my experience at the dealership wasn’t awesome and because the monthly payment was just outside my comfort zone. I reconnected with an old friend who is a car salesperson for Chevy, and I let him wow me with a great deal on a new Cruze. It seemed the responsible thing to do, even though I had my heart set on something else. Buying a new car has been on my wish list for years, and I’m happy I bit the bullet and crossed that worry off my long list.

Last weekend, I spent tons of time outside. I basked in the sunshine and 60-degree temperature on a swing in my yard. I listened to a lot of music, I had a few beers, I (mostly) ignored my to do list, and it felt effing fantastic. I’m entirely convinced spring is my favorite season. The sudden shift from winter one day to spring the very next is always a thrilling surprise. I make plans and set goals in the spring. I am more positive, nearly happy even! Spring weather changes me for the better. I always begin to feel like myself again in spring.

What am I doing really right?

The most important thing I’m doing right is working toward letting go of emotions that don’t help me in any way, such as guilt and worry. I’ve become painfully aware that I’m letting my emotions make my decisions. For example, I can’t say no to people because I feel bad and worry I’m letting them down. Surely, they aren’t overanalyzing my response, whether it’s yes or no. The rational me understands this. The emotional me lets guilt and worry respond yes to most requests. I spend a lot of time worrying, and it’s exhausting and, honestly, kind of stupid. It’s a waste of time, and it does not change what will happen (or what has already happened).

I read an article while I was on vacation last month that stuck with me:

Now, worry is an ego thing – as if you had the power to change things by worrying about them. So to construct your mental instruction you’d say something like, “I no longer indulge in worry but concentrate my mind on the present moment.”

I loved that word “indulge” instantly when I saw it, because worry feels like an indulgence. When you think about it, it doesn’t do any good. It wastes time, like daydreaming. Only, where daydreaming serves a positive purpose, worry just feels bad. Not to mention, worry is physically harmful. And with all I’ve learned in therapy about mindfulness (for a good summary of the DBT skills associated with mindfulness, read this), I feel I ought to know better than to waste my time worrying–time I could be spending mindfully.

So I adopted the mantra “I no longer indulge in worry.” And I’m using it. Not daily, because some days I completely forget about it. But nobody’s perfect!

What are you doing right?



Missing the Ordinary Moments

04. April 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: life lessons, My happiness project · Tags: , ,

Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.” ~Brene Brown

I have missed many ordinary moments lately because I’ve been too distracted to notice them. The past few weeks have been busy, complete with travel, car shopping, a holiday, and more!

As a result of this current burst of busyness, there has been a paucity of ordinary moments such as these: Overhearing Jackson’s imaginative stories as he plays by himself. His singing in the bathtub, making up silly lyrics. Telling someone something personal and hearing them say, “Me too.” Bubble baths with a book and a glass of wine. A fuzzy pair of slippers and jammies thrown on immediately after dinner. Singing along to the radio on the drive home.

I’m craving a night at home to simply do laundry (wait, did I just say that I want to do laundry?!) and play cars on the floor with Jax while sipping a glass of wine in my pajamas. Tonight, I hope, will be that night.

What are some of your favorite ordinary moments?

 

Change Your Music, Change Your Mood

28. March 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, favorite things, life lessons, music, My happiness project · Tags: , , , ,

Call it post-vacation blues, the higher latitude & lack of sunshine, being back to reality, having way too much on my mind…. Call it whatever. But it doesn’t feel good. I’ve spent most of this week sad, depressed, anxious, PMS-y, and basically every other negative emotion you can think of. And even though I have tons of skills under my belt to help me handle this rough patch, nothing has really helped except distraction (for example, having a friend over for dinner, reading a book, or going for a long drive).

Until this morning, when I rediscovered, or actually kind of remembered, how much of an influence music has always had on my moods. When I’m feeling down, my gut and my head want sad songs. I want to cry along with the music because in some ways this is cathartic. Sometimes, usually when the mood first hits, I don’t want to push it away immediately; I want to feel it. But after a few days of feeling it deeply, I’m ready for something new, and I’m sure my friends and family are, too! Ha! So anyway, last night I made myself yet another mix CD for the car, consisting of songs that make me want to move my body and/or sing along loudly. Songs that don’t remind me of anyone or anything that could possibly bring me down.

I listened to the CD this morning on my commute, and I sang loudly and I dance-drove for 4 or 5 songs. And man, it was just enough. It felt great. It was bliss. I nearly drove right on by my workplace.

When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed a while, obsessing on the things in my brain that were making me sad or anxious. I looked at the time repeatedly, wondering how late I would be for work because I couldn’t bring myself to leave my bed and start my day. It’s a few hours later now, and I’m feeling the opposite of that. Optimistic, even (maybe), about what might happen today–not that there is anything special planned, it’s just that you never know what the day will bring.

So here’s a playlist of a few of the songs I put on my mix CD–the handful of songs that changed my mood today.





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