My inner hippie chick was released as soon as my pregnancy was confirmed. I made the decision early on to try breastfeeding, although the idea admittedly freaked me out a little. However, when Jackson was born, breastfeeding didn’t come naturally for either of us. I remember the first time I tried to nurse him, three hours after he was born. I couldn’t get him to latch correctly, and we both ended up crying and frustrated. I had my first new mom doubts about the decision I’d made.

But I’m a bulldog momma. Once I make up my mind about what I feel is best for my child, I rarely change my mind. I’d had pregnant daydreams of rocking Jackson in the glider, and nursing him gently to sleep. So I let myself be guided by instinct and I buzzed a nurse to schedule a visit with the hospital’s certified lactation consultant.

This was, hands down, the best parenting decision I’ve made to date.

The first time he successfully latched on, as the lactation consultant guided us, tears of joy sprang to my eyes and I knew I’d made the right decision not to give up during those first few frustrating days.

Moments after our first nursing session.

Moments after our first nursing session.

Months later, I was making breastmilk smoothies and pumping at work like a pro! The early days of tribulation had become a fading memory, thanks in part to the support team I’d assembled: the lactation consultant I met in the hospital and called as needed, my local La Leche League, the hospital’s in-person breastfeeding support group, a Facebook group of local breastfeeding moms, and a few coworkers who were also pumping in the office. With advice and support from these women, Jackson breastfed for 33 months.

Milk drunk!

Milk drunk!

Breastfeeding him helped us both in so many ways, in addition to giving him the best nutrition possible. Jackson was a high-needs baby, and nursing soothed and comforted him when nothing else could. As a mother who suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety, I, too, was comforted, as breastfeeding provided me with a few quiet and calm moments every few hours, when we would stop whatever we were doing and simply enjoy some skin-to-skin contact alone together. Further, once I got the hang of it, breastfeeding boosted my confidence—which, as a new mom, I desperately needed!

This post is part of BlogHer’s My ‘I’m a Mom Moment’ editorial series, made possible by Seventh Generation.

I remember when I first discovered Postpartum Progress, toward the end of my maternity leave in fall 2009. I devoured that website, trying to make sense of my experience with anxiety after the birth of my son. It was a beacon of light for me and one of the initial steps I took toward feeling better.

It’s years later now, and my involvement with the website has grown, although I no longer have a mood disorder. Now I am an advocate for moms who do. I feel compelled to talk about my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety (obviously, on this blog) and to help educate families about perinatal mood disorders. Doing so helps me make sense of my experience.

One way I’m helping is by joining a fundraising effort by Postpartum Progress, called Climb Out of the Darkness. On June 21, the longest day of the year, I will be walking (not hiking, as I live in one of the flatter parts of NJ) in support of mothers with a perinatal mood disorder. Did you know that 15% of new moms will experience one?

As stated on the FAQ page for the event, the funds raised will be used for two purposes:

One is to create an infographic that correctly represents the prevalence of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders as well as its impact on society for use with the media and to raise awareness. The second is for an informational sheet for moms that would be available in doctor’s offices about perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and getting help. It can be used anywhere in the world but this first version will be in English — if we raise enough money we will do French and Spanish as well. Since most of the brochures and things handed out to moms, in a word, suck, we’re going to do a kickass version.

On the 21st, you will see me tweeting and posting on Facebook and Instagram, using the hashtag #ClimbOut.

How can you help, you ask? Great question! There are a few ways you can help: First, you can donate to my campaign here (or click the widget below). Any amount is greatly appreciated. Second, you can walk with me! If you’re interested in joining me, please email me at jamesandjax@gmail.com for more info, such as the time and location. Third, you can spread the word! If you do so, please include the link to my campaign.

Thanks for your support!

Happy Mother’s Day!

It’s an extra special Mother’s Day for me this year because I’m part of something very meaningful to me and many others–the fifth annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health, hosted by Postpartum Progress–the world’s most widely read blog on postpartum depression (PPD) and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth.

The Rally is a 24-hour event that features 24 letters (one posted each hour) from survivors of PPD, postpartum anxiety (PPA), postpartum OCD, depression after weaning and/or postpartum psychosis. Their purpose is to inform and encourage pregnant and new moms who may be struggling with their emotional health. In Katherine Stone’s (of Postpartum Progress) words, the rally is a “massive dose of love, understanding and wisdom from lots of moms who’ve had postpartum depression and anxiety and the like.”

You’ll find me over there tonight. My post goes live at 8:00 pm (Eastern). It’s a post I wrote last year, but did not publish here, about my personal experience with PPD and PPA after Jax was born. It was difficult to write and required courage and strength to share. This holds true for the other 23 letters, too, so your support and words of encouragement over at Postpartum Progress are greatly appreciated.

If you’re active on Twitter, you can join the conversation by following and using the hashtag for the rally, which is #momsdayrally.

Here is the posting schedule:
Midnight – Welcome message and Sarah Pinnix, Real Life
1am – Lauren Hale, My Postpartum Voice
2am – Miranda Wicker, Not Super Just Mom
3am – Ana Clare Rouds
4am – Arja Lytle, Balance Body & Soul
5am – Yael Saar, PPD to Joy
6am – Cristi Comes, Motherhood Unadorned
7am – Robin Farr, Farewell Stranger
8am – Jen Hajer, The Martha Project
9am – Lori Bollinger, I Can Grow People
10am – JD Bailey, Honest Mom
11am – Abby Berner
noon – Andrea Scher, Superhero Life
1pm – Lori Garcia, Mommyfriend
2pm – Jane Roper, JaneRoper.com
3pm – Katie L., Overflowing Brain
4pm – Jenna Rosener, Blogged Bliss
5pm – Ninotchka Beavers, Twice Blessed
6pm – Alison Parson, Ms. Moody Mommy
7pm – Jessica Cohen, Found the Marbles
8pm – ME! :)
9pm – Kristen Chase, Motherhood Uncensored
10pm – Amber Koter-Puline, Beyond Postpartum
11pm – Jennifer Marshall, Bipolar Mom Life
I am deeply honored to be included in this event and look forward to reading every letter. May is Maternal Mental Health Month, and I can’t think of a better way to spread awareness than this rally. Click the image below to join us!
Mother's Day Rally

Call it post-vacation blues, the higher latitude & lack of sunshine, being back to reality, having way too much on my mind…. Call it whatever. But it doesn’t feel good. I’ve spent most of this week sad, depressed, anxious, PMS-y, and basically every other negative emotion you can think of. And even though I have tons of skills under my belt to help me handle this rough patch, nothing has really helped except distraction (for example, having a friend over for dinner, reading a book, or going for a long drive).

Until this morning, when I rediscovered, or actually kind of remembered, how much of an influence music has always had on my moods. When I’m feeling down, my gut and my head want sad songs. I want to cry along with the music because in some ways this is cathartic. Sometimes, usually when the mood first hits, I don’t want to push it away immediately; I want to feel it. But after a few days of feeling it deeply, I’m ready for something new, and I’m sure my friends and family are, too! Ha! So anyway, last night I made myself yet another mix CD for the car, consisting of songs that make me want to move my body and/or sing along loudly. Songs that don’t remind me of anyone or anything that could possibly bring me down.

I listened to the CD this morning on my commute, and I sang loudly and I dance-drove for 4 or 5 songs. And man, it was just enough. It felt great. It was bliss. I nearly drove right on by my workplace.

When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed a while, obsessing on the things in my brain that were making me sad or anxious. I looked at the time repeatedly, wondering how late I would be for work because I couldn’t bring myself to leave my bed and start my day. It’s a few hours later now, and I’m feeling the opposite of that. Optimistic, even (maybe), about what might happen today–not that there is anything special planned, it’s just that you never know what the day will bring.

So here’s a playlist of a few of the songs I put on my mix CD–the handful of songs that changed my mood today.





DBT and distractionDistraction is my go-to device when it comes to tolerating distress. When I am sad especially, historically I’ve relied on watching television to distract me from the thoughts making me feel worse. But television isn’t the most convenient device, even with all the apps I’ve loaded onto my phone. For example, if I’m in the office (where I spend most of my waking hours per week), I can’t exactly discreetly open up my Netflix app, as much as I’d love to do that! When I’m driving, I can’t safely check out what’s on HBOGo.

Given that anxiety can pop up at any inconvenient moment, regardless of my location, I’ve had to rely on other forms of distraction.

In dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), cognitive and behavioral therapies are combined with a dash of mindfulness. In my experience with it (as a client), the terms “emotional mind,” “reasonable mind,” and “wise mind” have come up often to refer to the states of mind, and my goal has been to tap into wise mind as often as possible. (For a description of each, check out this website.)

I admit I dwell in emotional mind more than I should. And I sometimes experience anxiety as a result.

Enter crisis survival strategies like distraction, which is only one of the crisis survival strategies I’ve learned in therapy. “Crisis” sounds intense, doesn’t it? Let’s tone that down a bit to mean any level of anxiety experienced, or even negative thinking. These strategies help guide me out of emotional mind and into reasonable or, even better, wise mind.

I have a handout from the Skills Training Manual… by Marsha Linehan, who is the founder of DBT. The top of the handout says:

A useful way to remember these skills is the phrase Wise Mind ACCEPTS.

ACCEPTS is an acronym for Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, opposite Emotions, Pushing away, other Thoughts, and intense other Sensations.

My favorite example of a way to distract with activities is cleaning–typically my bathroom–which is a great way to distract yourself from anger (at least for me it is)! More examples include taking a walk, soaking in a bubble bath, making a cup of tea, journaling (such as in a Positivity Notebook), having a photo shoot with your kids, or playing a game. Sometimes I do these things on autopilot, without noticing I’m distracting myself.

Distracting with contributing includes volunteer work or performing a random act of kindness. Focusing on others can help get us out of our own heads.

Distracting with comparisons can mean reading a news item about a disaster and comparing yourself with those suffering more than you. It can be helpful to realize there’s always someone worse off than you. Even more helpful might be to compare your present self with yourself a few years ago–are you doing better now than you were then?

Distracting with opposite emotions means doing something that creates a different emotion than what you’re feeling. For instance, watching a scary movie (or other emotional movie) or enjoying a stand-up comedy performance can change your mood.

Distracting with pushing away means leaving the situation mentally for a while, putting a wall between it and yourself. A technique that has helped me is to schedule worry time for later in the day. Sometimes I find that I’ve missed my window for worrying (and that I don’t care, at that point)!

Distracting with other thoughts is actually kind of fun. It can mean counting to 10 or 100 (or any other number that intrigues you), reading something engrossing, or–my favorite–watching TV.

Distracting with intense other sensations sounds pretty cool. It means using physical stimulation like holding ice in your palm, squeezing a stress ball, listening to music very loudly, taking a cold (or hot) shower, or snapping a rubber band on your wrist.

I love the handout because it is full of ideas, which I’ve summarized above, for distracting yourself right out of a bad mood, anxiety, or pretty much anything else. Distraction isn’t always bad!

Do you ever use distraction to change your mood?

 

photo by: broo_am