September has been the most emotional month of this year for me (as it seems to be most years), from highs to lows to happiness to anxiety and sadness. Transparency and authenticity are objectives I will always strive for in this space I’ve created here. But I am a private person—as much as any blogger can actually be—so I struggle with how much to say!
So I’ll start with this: It feels lately as if I’m having a kind of emotional mini-crisis, unless crisis is too strong a word for what this is (jury’s still out). I hear Bjork singing in my head today, “There’s more to life than this.” There must be more to life than looking forward to bedtime in the hope you actually sleep well that night. There must be more to life than doing the same job, day in and day out, and hoping for a decent pay increase that’s better than last year’s, because we all know money solves everything. There must be more to life than finding enjoyment in drinking a glass of wine with dinner because it helps you relax, and you really need to relax. There must be more to life than shopping, than keeping busy and distracted by chores, than list-making. There must be more to life than telling yourself that if you just make it to “X” month or day, things will get better.
I am a cynic and a pessimist, and I don’t want to be anymore. I am exhausted by my constant negative thoughts (about myself and my life, not about others). I have plenty of things for which to be grateful and insanely happy! Yes, I have had some sadness, but no more than anyone else I know (I think). Overall, there has been more to celebrate than to grieve. But I still find myself unsatisfied.
There’s a very loud voice in my head that says, “You ungrateful bitch, you don’t even have a challenging existence! Who do you think you are?! Why are you so miserable? Why can’t you just be happy?” And the voice wins, most days, and I am awash in guilt over all my “venting” and whining and general anxiety and moodiness. I worry that my friends find me annoying and pathetic. I worry, even, that my Twitter followers will unfollow me if I keep it up. I try to contain my negativity, yet somehow it spills out anyway. My biggest fear in life is abandonment (and I have years of therapy under my belt to back this up).
I know I’m probably being too hard on myself, that some of this is just human nature and I should cut myself some slack, especially since this time of year always has the potential to turn me into a slobbering mess. But the other side of the equation, for me, is that I don’t want Jax to do this to himself when he’s older. Nor do I want him to think of me as a total downer. I want to be better for him, if not first for myself.
So I’m embarking on something new this week in the realm of personal development. I’m trying to suspend my disbelief and take a friend’s advice that may help me let go of some of my negativity. I’m silencing the mockery I hear in my own head, and I’m concentrating on philosophies that seem far out but also soothing. I’m reading about how to fall in love with myself, because I don’t have a freaking clue how to do this (do you know?) but I do know, from what I’ve been reading so far, it’s apparently quite important to do. I read that good things will come to me if I can just learn how to love myself.
I need good things to come to me–so shut up, cynical self!
This morning, my day began (well before my alarm clock) with some YouTube videos my friend emailed to me. And from there, I caught up on some recent blog posts by Brene Brown. I have decided to read her books, and soon. I googled—don’t laugh—”positivity.” I revisited one of my favorite, and often forgotten, websites, Marc and Angel Hack Life. I stayed off Twitter most of the day, until I retweeted the hell out of Marc and Angel’s tweets because so many of them resonated with me.
I’m trying. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.
Tonight I’m going to stop at a drugstore and buy a notebook. Having been a writer for 25 of my 35 years, buying a new notebook is meaningful and sometimes life-changing for me. It signifies a brand new start, and every notebook I’ve ever begun has always begun positively, full of energy and hope. And so in the spirit of a fresh start, and because there’s no denying how much I love to write and how introspective I am, I’m going to fill this new notebook with snippets of all the things I’m reading and learning–but without any pressure to make it pretty. The objective is simple–writing things down or taping them into a central location will help me remember them and keep them handy for the bad days, when I’m going to flip through the notebook and find comfort there, I hope.
Do you keep a “positivity notebook,” for lack of a better term? Or, can you recommend some uplifting, positive, personal development-but-not-in-a-cheesy-way websites or books I shouldn’t miss?
I struggle with the same feelings of anxiety and worry. I love the #listof3 that we do on Twitter. Since my blog seems to focus on my struggles, I am trying to get back into the habit of journaling and remembering all my blessings. It is a challenge some days. I love the fall weather, and I try to get outside as much as I can to soak it up before the snow appears.
Jaime, you are self aware, and you are making a conscious effort to stop those thought monkeys. I would recommend Alexandra from Good Day, Regular People as someone who brings the funny. She posted about the Depression Slayers since she too suffers from SAD. Sending you huge hugs.
Jenny recently posted..Now what….
Hi Jamie – Interesting post…do you suffer from SAD? I love the fall, I love the smell of the leaves and the cooler air…but I DO get melancholy. In Traditional Chinese Medicine. (TCM) the fall is a time of letting go, of allowing yourself to grieve as a natural human process (for whatever you need to grieve for this yeer) , and of beginning to turn inward. I had suffered from depression in my liftetime, but its been over 15 years since I’ve been depressed. Of course I used traditional talk therapy and love hat (gee I AM a therapist!) but I very heavily also integrate healing philosophies into my life (and my client’s lives!). Mindbody therapies, the spirituality, the multi-dimensionality of it all…are what helps me heal deeply. I studied Reiki, shiatsu, Jin Shin Do acupressure, art…many things. So I use these things when I feel down, or sometimes I just let myself feel down.In general, I am not a cynical person, by temperament, tho….but I love angel healing…there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a few different types of releasing sessions, trying new things. Good luck, hope this helped!
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) recently posted..How Much Stress is Too Much Stress in Pregnancy?
I think for me (major depression/possibly bipolar) its easy to have those exact negative thoughts/mental dialogue but I think trying to change those thoughts to positive can be SO powerful! I’ve been trying to do the same and in fact recently started reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. Good for you. It has to change somehow. By taking charge you might even start to feel better just “doing” something. I took charge of my weight this summer and it changed my mental perspective too, like I know I can do it. We CAN make a change if we truly want to. We just have to do it! You’ll find your way because you’re trying to. Big hugs. I wish you so much luck and positivity.
Cristi Comes recently posted..Out of the Darkness Walk for #SuicidePrevention
I think you’re on the right track. Is it entirely negativity or do you need a new passion? Maybe it’s time to try a class in something and shake things up a bit.
As for positive stuff, try:
http://bravegirlsclub.com/
http://jenlemen.com/blog/
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Birth Conversations
Hi Jamie! My first time leaving a comment on your blog. Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling down. This time of year is always tough for me. I view fall as the demise of summer (spring is the annual “re-birth” of everything green and pretty and colorful and cheerful) and summer is my favorite time of the year because I used to hate school so much. And so…. I find the transition from summer to fall reaaaaally really tough. Last month, I went through a rough patch, with news in the media causing my PMS blues-y feelings to get me down to the point of blogging about my feelings. Damn you, PMS! Anyway, I just wanted to leave you this note to let you know that your friends are here for you!
I’m sorry that you’ve been having a tough time, Jaime. So glad that you’re taking steps to embrace yourself and stop the cynicism. It’s much too easy to think bad things about ourselves, isn’t it? I wish it were easier to be positive!
As far as people leaving you on Twitter, etc., I can only speak for myself but know that I’m not going anywhere. ;) xo
Kristin @littlemamajama recently posted..We Took a 7-hour Road Trip
oh, hon, September is always rough for me too. You are loved, a whole lot from my direction and from many others. and this kind of inquiry is uncomfortable but it brings good things. yay for suspension of disbelief and may this new notebook be life changing!
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So sorry that you are having a tough time right now. I struggle with a lot of the same thoughts & feelings & I definitely get how exhausting they can be. I wish it wasn’t so hard to stop doing this to ourselves.
Learning about myself & falling in love with myself is something I have just started working on with my counselor & she has me doing a lot of journaling which I have been finding extremely helpful & I am learning things about myself that I never really thought about before. I have been reading books like Brene’s & also Susannah Conway has a book that I really enjoyed. If you want to check it out it’s called This I know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart.
You are definitely not alone on this path! Hugs.
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