Here is a post that’s been sitting in my Drafts folder for more than a month. I never could hit Publish on it because it’s a little too transparent, a little too personal, for my comfort level. But it’s a Saturday–and who reads blogs on Saturday anyway?! So here ya go:
I’ve been spending a ton of time in my own head lately. Well, and on Twitter when my head gets too messy, overcrowded with my thoughts. My entire life, I’ve been a person who overthinks and who is never satisfied with the status quo. It is a blessing and a curse, as you might imagine. I am not lazy or uninspired, but rather afraid of change. And I love thinking about–no, obsessing about–the past. I am fond, too, of fantasizing about the future.
In short, I am rarely ever present in this moment. I am afraid of the moment, and I think it’s going to take a lot of therapy and a ton more thinking to determine why that is.
I wrote this to a friend a few weeks ago: “Change freaks me out, too. It’s scary & doesn’t jive with my control-freak tendencies! Can’t control the future, though. Sigh. Think about how some of the unexpected unplanned-for changes in your past have turned into amazing experiences!”
I can be so smart when it comes to giving advice to others, yet I fail at taking my own advice. I’m sure I’m not alone in this! Right??
I hope with all my heart that Jax doesn’t inherit this trait from me. I hope he is present in every moment–or at least most moments! I also hope he has wishes and dreams, goals and aspirations for the future. And I hope he knows how to daydream about the future without undervaluing the present or the past. I worry he isn’t going to learn that from me.