Driving to work this morning, it dawned on me that all the anxiety I’ve been experiencing the past week and a half, and the sadness before that, is more likely a result of Jax having weaned than anything else on my plate lately. And trust me, there is a lot on my plate right now.
In short, I had a death in my family in mid-May, only a few days after Jax weaned; I assumed deep and unresolved emotions were to blame for the general anxiety and melancholy I’ve been experiencing since then. I’m also crazy busy (utterly swamped) at work, and so is my husband, whose new promotion has him working extra hours (and me picking up the slack at home every night). And then there is the usual insurmountable to-do list that comes with being a mom and wife. Let’s just say the dust bunnies have multiplied, and I’m considering attaching Swiffer dusters to the bottoms of everyone’s feet tonight.
Since mid-May, though, it’s often felt like too much all at once. This past Friday, for example, daycare sent home a note with Jax about how he may have been exposed to hand-foot-and-mouth disease. And then, don’t you know, Friday night he puked on me three times and spiked a fever. When he started to complain that his finger hurt and his lip hurt last night, my anxiety spiked too. However, upon close examination (many times, believe me), there are no tell-tale signs of the virus, so I guess the puking and fever were something else. He woke up at 5 this morning completely ravenous and fever free, so he’s back at daycare today so I can tackle my overwhelming workload.
Whoever came up with the name “hand-foot-and-mouth disease” should be severely reprimanded. Agree??
I left a voicemail for my trusted lactation consultant and am waiting for a return call. One that hopefully will reassure me that that anxiety and mild depression are completely normal after weaning (especially when weaning is combined with icky emotional stuff like death and a heavier-than-usual workload) and that it should subside any freaking day now. What I don’t want to hear is that I should consider medication or that this is not normal or that it should have subsided by now. (Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with medication. I simply prefer to avoid it at this time.) I got pregnant with Jax in 2008. I was either pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly 4 years. I should expect my hormones to be a little goofy right now, huh?
Kinda feels like super-PMS, with a side of insomnia.
Of course I’ll do whatever it takes to help myself return to normal as soon as possible. Like quitting coffee (again) altogether. Like forcing the time for self-care through exercise, bubble baths, and blogging. Like eating better. Like taking medication if I need it. Like talking about all this stuff instead of closing myself off.
On that last point, let me add that I am eternally grateful for both my real-life friends who have been so compassionate and for the friends I have on Twitter and through various Facebook groups, many of whom have also experienced the post-weaning blues (or anxiety) and are virtually holding my hand and encouraging me to do what I need to do to get through this rough patch–which I think means blogging about it a lot. For me, writing = processing. Always.
If you’ve weaned and experienced some anxiety or depression, how long did it last and how’d you combat it?
I am sorry that things have been so overwhelming lately.
I don’t recall a great deal of anxiety when my little guy weaned but that might have been because I was still in the middle of my depression and didn’t notice. I recalled being frustrated at the suddenness of it. He was just over 10 months old and suddenly quit cold turkey. I pumped and gave him a bottle until him was over a year but it just added to the darkness for me.
Jenn@Fox in the City recently posted..In Real Life
Thanks for commenting, Jenn. So sorry to hear of your frustration and sadness. It’s not easy, this mothering thing, huh? So many emotions involved! Good thing our kids are so adorable. I hope you’re feeling better now.
I still think I’m going through it and I stopped in November. I was forced to stop. I had knee surgery and the meds they used I couldn’t breastfeed with by the time I made it out on the other side my milk was gone. I get sad that I wasn’t able to decide. I would have liked to bf until he was 18 months I had to stop at 13. I can’t tell you when it will get better. It’s like morning a loss. So however long it takes for someone to get through grief that would be the same. Good luck it will get better
Leelah recently posted..My heart string
Leelah, thanks for sharing your experience. Sharing experiences make it easier to cope, in my opinion. I’m sorry the decision if and when to wean was taken from you. Don’t lose sight of your success, though–13 months is really something to be proud of!
Pingback: My new normal with a side of anxiety | tranquilamama
Hi James… This is a great post. And yes, I believe it’s perfectly normal to feel that sense of loss, depression, and anxiety once you’ve weaned from your little one (particularly given this is to be your last child). My weaning experience was terrible to say the least, and forced which made it even more difficult. Like you, I also suffer PND (or PPD) and it was weaning I feel that pushed me over the edge. Everyone’s experience is so unique, isn’t it? I’m so glad to have found so many other mums sharing their similar thoughts. Thanks so much and look forward to reading more.
Thanks for your comment! I’m sorry you had a terrible experience at the end of breastfeeding (and that you had PND). Huge hugs to you, and thank you for stopping by.
The last time I nursed my son, I knew it was likely going to be the last time I nursed him. My husband and I were going on a much belated honeymoon to Cuba, and leaving our 14 month old boy with the Grandparents. I bawled the entire car ride home. I was so upset at the thought of never nursing my baby again.
I think deep down I was secretly hoping he wouldn’t quite be done yet, but when we came back, he had adjusted well, and tried, very mildly to nurse again maybe twice.
I still miss it. Especially at bedtime. But we are trying to develop new routines and still have special mommy and B time.
Oh wow, I forgot to ask you how things went after your vacation! Sorry about that. Sorry to hear you were upset at the end of your breastfeeding time with the baby. 14 months is pretty damn awesome, so I hope you celebrated that accomplishment!
I’m pretty proud how long we went. Definitely an accomplishment I think for someone who was never really exposed a whole lot to BF culture. Most of my friends were bottlefeeders, wiht a few exceptions.