This post is difficult for me to write and inspired by my friends Lauren and Yael, who are two of the strongest women I know.
Learning
I learned an important lesson last night. I learned my emotional limits. I truly realized for the first time, too, that my primary responsibility now is to my son and keeping us both safe for his sake. This includes eating healthy, sleeping well, and setting emotional boundaries like I’m about to do.
I’ve always rooted for the underdog, cried with the depressed, hugged the anxious. In other words, I feel I am an empathic person. Sometimes I wonder if I absorb other people’s energy because it affects me so profoundly.
Worrying
Last night, I lay awake from 1:30 until 5 in the morning worrying about a friend in trouble. Then I slept for an hour and a half before starting my morning, still deep in worry. Of course after a night like that, I had to call out of work; I was physically sick to my stomach from lack of sleep and abundance of worry. Then I cried a lot, and I turned to my friend Lauren, who has helped countless people, for advice. I struggled with what to do to help versus how far to extend myself, possibly endangering my emotional, mental, and physical health.
Struggling
And then I got mad.
I got mad at myself for having taken so much on. I realized I do that all the time, and how drained it makes me feel. Sometimes it is uplifting to know that I had a positive influence on another person’s life. Sometimes I am able to help someone through their troubles, their depression or anxiety. But right now, it’s just too much.
I got mad at my troubled friend, irrationally mad. I did not ask for the burden of the words he texted me that scared the hell out of me. I was angry with him for not seeking the proper kind of help, for not doing what needs to be done. But then I realized that when we are in the dark, it is difficult for us to see what needs to be done. My anger weakened.
Stepping Back
Times like this, when it gets to be too much for me, I need to realize that it’s OK–in fact, it is in my own best interest and that of my family’s–for me to put up what my dear friend Yael refers to as my “forcefield” and decide what I choose to let inside that forcefield.
So that’s what’s happening, starting this very minute. I’m going to find a way to help others gently–and by that, I mean that I will be gentle to myself. There’s got to be a way to help others while not carrying the load myself, right? I want to shine a light, but not if it leaves me in the dark.
Sweetie, hugs for the hard. I learned the concept of Forcefield from Havi Brooks of TheFluentSelf.com. and I traveled to Oregon twice to study with her. It’s something that you grow like a muscle. Baby steps, and some of those steps will inevitably be steps backwards, back to safety, because you are absolutely right to protect yourself. So much love to you…
Yael Saar recently posted..Learning to Fly
Thank you so much for posting the link, Yael. I will check it out the minute I have a chance.
Well written. Perfect words. Very important. I think it’s critical to remember that if we don’t put ourselves first we can’t be of much use to others anyway, so it’s a weirdly curved circle, ya know?
Sending you loads of virtual hugs. I’m glad you put this to *paper* for yourself. For the record.
Andrea recently posted..Untitled. Because sometimes I’m just not creative.
((hugs)) my beautiful friend.
Yuz recently posted..To the postpartum depression moms suffering in silence as posted in Postpartum Progress
It’s a hard lesson to learn. I want to be there for everyone else. But, I’ve had to learn my limits, too. When something is too much and will take away from my family too much- I have to say no or walk away.
Shell recently posted..Crafts for the Uncrafty: Easy Button Craft
It is so hard for me to say no, but I’m learning. Thank you, Shell, for commenting!
I have friends that lean on me hard too, and when you know youre the only source of counseling someone gets, it can be overwhelming. Im sorry you had a difficult last 24 hours, and Im hoping you did some good self care today.
Frelle recently posted..Tuesday Tunes : Snow Patrol
I did. I took a long nap–something I NEVER do. Ever. And last night, I took a long bubble bath. Ahhh… Feeling much better now.
I am sending you huge hugs. I too struggle with taking on other’s pain. I am working on listening with love & empathy. I put on my old manager hat to see if the person just needs to be heard & validated. I gently suggest resources.
Jenny recently posted..Guest Post for Charity: Reflections on Motherhood
Suggesting resources is a great way to handle things. Thanks for that tip.
Yay yay yay! Good for you! It’s so important. It becomes easy to take on everyone else’s burdens and try to fix everyone’s problems and yet you CAN’T. You just CAN’T do it. I know because I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be everywhere for everyone at once and you just can’t. Once you accept that it makes life so much easier. You get back to doing what you can and taking care of yourself too. So proud of you for taking care of yourself!
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress recently posted..On Responding to Stigma and Ignorance
Thanks, Katherine. It is a struggle, but I’m learning. :)
It is so hard to step back when you know a friend is in trouble. I had to stop, once, because it was really seriously bringing me down and effecting my life. It is not easy. I’m glad you are going to be putting yourself first :)
Raine recently posted..Top 25 Single Mom Blogs
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