I’m such a hypocrite. My ears perk as soon as someone in a mile radius uses the word “never” or “always.” I tell others to avoid using those words because they aren’t true most of the time. In my book, they are bad words. I will think you’re fibbing if you tell me you always or never do something.
However, I find myself always using those bad words.
Ha–see what I did there? I’m sure you don’t really believe that I always use bad words. Who can always use bad words? Who can always do anything? Not me. I’m inconsistent, if nothing else.
When Jax has a bad night of sleep–and therefore I have a bad night of sleep–I use the word “never” over & over again, like this: “I’m never going to sleep again!” or “He’ll never sleep through the night!”
How do you think that affects my perspective? What perspective, more like it! It is hard to be optimistic, hopeful, and positive when you have negative words like “never” in your vocabulary.
I’m sure you can relate to it this way: It isn’t hard for me to think of a list of things I thought I’d never do as a parent (before I actually was a parent). Like breastfeed past a year or co-sleep, for starters.
See? I shouldn’t have used “never” but opted for the much gentler “probably” or something! I made a hypocrite of myself again! Further, I set myself up to feel bad about either my choices as a parent or how clueless I was years ago.
In closing, I’ve added this important little rule to my Anxiety Tips page as a reminder to reduce my use of those words:
Do not use the words “always” and “never.” They aren’t true.
Using bad words–or ANY negative self-talk–can lead to a bad state of mind; it isn’t nice to lie to yourself, ya know?
What bad words do you find yourself repeating over & over again, to your dismay?
Im trying ti purge myself of the word “perfect”. It sets me up for dangerous expectations, not to mention its a falicy. Nothing is perfect. And with the toddler, it’s too general of a compliment. Children need to hear WHAT they did well, not just that it was good.
Susan, I think about that last sentence often and keep it in my head when I’m telling Jax I’m proud of him. I think it’s really sage advice for parents and educators!
“Perfect” is a bad word, I agree. It is too loaded.
LOL – look at my comment. Errors galore. Awesome. See – i’m a living example of what “good enough” looks like these days. That, and I’m so used to my iPhone correcting me, I’ve forgotten how to type correctly. ;)
Sometimes NO1 will actually ask me, “Mommy why did you say good job? What did I do?” It makes me stop and realize I was just going through the motions. It’s hard to parent consciously these days what with the sleep deprivation and breastfeeding on demand 24-7. But I’m trying my best.
Such a great post, Jaime.
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Jamie, I am working on not using the words “always” and “never” with my girls as well as with myself. I am also trying to get rid of “shoulds” and “have tos”.
The “shoulds” and “have tos” always get me, too. It’s so hard to get rid of them!
Yes! Today I was standing in my kitchen just wanting to cry. I wasn’t saying my “never” out loud but it was loud and clear in my head: “I am never going to get a break. I am never going to feel better. I am never going to get a normal night with my husband.”
I am really surprised and impressed with how I re-routed my thinking, so much that it stood out as soon as I read your post. I quickly reminded myself that even if it wasn’t TONIGHT, that most of my nights are fairly easy and with a predictable routine allowing for relaxation and alone time. Just thinking of it that way, reminding myself that my current situation was TEMPORARY, made the biggest difference in the rest of my day.
Janine, we share a brain, because I say those exact same things to myself in my head (and on a really bad day, out loud). Thanks for the reminder that our current situation, no matter what it is, is usually temporary.
I think it also depends in what context you use it in like “I will never love spiders. I always get my husband to kill them”…LOL…I know and understand where you are coming from. They can be damaging when you are using it in another context.
My bad word is can’t…I can’t do this…I can’t shake this anxiety…because you always can…(always worked good there)…if you try.
What if is a bad word.
What if this happens.
What if
What if.
What if may never happen. It’s like worrying about things that aren’t materialized yet.
Gah. Stupid anxiety.
I’m having a rough go with it right now. Trying to keep things in check.
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Ouch, “what if” is another killer. I hate that phrase.
I hope your anxiety lessens. Anxiety is such a bitch. So is insomnia. I think we need to trade virtual hugs today.
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I use never way more than I should…even though my rational mind knows there’s no absolute like that. Right now I seem to use “I failed” which I think is soul crushing. If others used it I’d be the first to show them their words weren’t true but I can’t (another bad word) seem to use the same rationale for myself.
Ooh, yeah, that is a soul crusher. I’m like you–it is much easier to point out to others how hard they’re being on themselves than it is for me to silence my own gremlins.