I feel like a bad mom today. I know it isn’t true, but I still keep hearing those two words in my head.

Yesterday was a rough one. If you follow me on Twitter, you may have heard me talking about my husband’s Seven Fishes dinner–hosted at our house on Saturday night for a group of 7, including his boss and her fiancee. Yesterday was all about the clean-up. Starting at 8am, I cleaned a fish-clogged kitchen sink, vacuumed broken wine glasses and family heirlooms from the floor, and did mountains of laundry and dishes. Then Jax returned from his overnight trip with his Nana around 11am and proceeded to have a total meltdown of epic proportions around 1pm because I didn’t want to nurse him–again.

I have to admit, I did lock myself in the bathroom and cried for 5 minutes while I let my husband deal with our abusive, sobbing toddler (yes, he hit me–in his defense, he is a happy, loving 2-year-old 99.9% of the time and we consider ourselves very lucky).

I just plain feel tired & overwhelmed with all that is left to do at work and at home before the holidays. Still so much shopping and wrapping.

And then Jax had a bad night of sleep last night. It came out of nowhere, because he’d been doing so great. After my bout of insomnia a few weeks ago, I’d been sleeping great! You’d think I’d have been able to handle a terrible night like last night without having a meltdown of my own. But no. I yelled a bit. I guzzled Benadryl to try in my desperation to fall asleep. Neither of those things were any match for a toddler fighting off a virus (I think) who just wants to nurse all night long again like a newborn. It was 3am before I fell asleep. It’s kind of hard to get comfortable with a toddler clutching your boob.

And then I got up at 6:20 for what is shaping up to be the busiest day at work EVER. Although tomorrow and Wednesday will likely give today a run for its money.

Anyway, the reason I feel like a bad mom today is because I yelled at Jax last night, “Jackson, just go to sleep!” I don’t remember cursing, but I don’t put it past me at 2:00 in the morning. And then this morning when he woke up and walked into the kitchen where I was packing lunches, he started asking for “nummies” again. Sigh. I said no at first (I’m afraid of undoing all the progress we’ve made toward weaning), but when he threatened to cry, I gave in.

He still had a meltdown anyway. I could tell he’s not feeling well today. But he has no fever, so I sent him to daycare because I have a crazy busy day at work. My thinking was that I need to get as much done at work today as possible in case my kiddo really is coming down with a virus and I have to miss a day later this week. But still, I felt bad for sending a cranky, miserable child to daycare when I’m sure all he really wanted to do was stay in his pajamas with his mommy. And I feel bad for the teachers who have to keep him happy today. Oy.

I wish I could be that cool, calm, collected mom who, during Christmas week, pulls herself together effortlessly and just gets shit done. Who doesn’t yell at the kids or her husband. Who can tackle it all & do it all well. Who finds the perfect gifts for everyone on her list and wraps them all up nice & pretty–with time to spare before Christmas.

But I honestly don’t think she exists.

I take a small amount of comfort in thinking that I am the norm. That I am an “amazing” (to quote my own amazing mom today) mother, despite that I yelled at Jax at 2am to go to sleep. Despite that I sent him to daycare this morning when he clearly didn’t want to go.

There will be better days–and soon! Until then, I’ll sip my coffee slowly, daydream about Jax opening gifts on Christmas, and try not to dwell on my long to do list & short night of sleep.