Post-Postpartum Depression: Things I Didn’t Expect
20 Oct
Photo credit: SP Veres
I had what I consider to have been the opportunity of a lifetime & a life-changing experience yesterday. Katherine Stone invited me to be a guest at the Southern New Jersey Perinatal Cooperative’s Perinatal Mood Disorders conference, where she, Dr. Diane Sanford, and others were to speak. I was over the moon elated to hear Katherine and Diane speak about something I had experienced a mere 2 years ago and had only recently recovered from. When I found out that my therapist (or maybe I should refer to her as my “ex-therapist,” since I no longer go to therapy, but old habits die hard) would also be attending, it hit me: Three of the women I have credited with helping me recover from postpartum depression (PPD) and postpartum anxiety (PPA) would be in the same room with me.
With that realization, I started to cry tears of happiness and anticipation while I was driving to the conference. I couldn’t wait to meet Katherine in person and hug her (and deliver the hugs I’d been requested to deliver on behalf of some of my bloggy friends who’ve also been touched by Katherine). I have a great relationship with my therapist and couldn’t wait to see her again after so many months. And I longed to meet Diane Sanford, whose Living Self-Care blog I guest posted on earlier this year. These women’s influence on my life–on my family–and so many others I’m sure, has been monumental. These women are changing the world with their work. They are saving lives & childhoods. They are undoing the devastation wrought by perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.
I had been so excited by the thought of merely hugging these three women that I guess I hadn’t really thought about what else would happen. Like all the crying.
Beth Anne, of Heir to Blair fame, warned me that I’d lose it upon meeting Katherine–that everyone does. I didn’t think I would. But oh my word did I! I hope Katherine didn’t end up with mascara all over her gorgeous outfit! Throughout the course of the morning, Katherine and I must have hugged, oh I don’t know, 18 times! At one point, I was sobbing and Katherine offered me some of her energy, wrapped me up with it; it absorbed my pain.
I hadn’t even realized I was still carrying that pain! I think often about having had PPD/PPA because I write about it, I participate in the #ppdchat from time to time, and some of my online friends are still suffering. But I don’t truly remember what it was like, really. There are reminders, sometimes, of course. However, I had no idea that hearing Katherine tell her personal story and list the symptoms of PPD and PPA would cause me to shed so many tears and to feel so much all over again as I sat and listened and tried not to sob out loud in a room full of health care practitioners–and next to my therapist!
As Katherine described the symptoms that ravaged my life for over a year, particularly during the first 3 to 6 months postpartum, I was overcome. As I sat at my table among so many people, I cried for the time I’d lost to the illness. I cried for the woman who sat so often on a locked bathroom floor thinking she was a horrible mother and didn’t deserve her baby. I cried for the woman who didn’t even realize she had PPD/PPA until a few months into it. I cried for the woman who had intrusive thoughts. I cried for the woman whose anger stole so much from her. I cried for the woman who didn’t want to go back to work at 3 months postpartum but had to. I cried for the family who suffered. I cried for all the other women who are suffering now. I cried for the women who weren’t being diagnosed and treated like I was.
At the end of the day, I had a raging headache and sore eyes. I was drained. I didn’t expect that.
I had no idea that all of these emotions were bubbling so close to the surface. That they were still inside of me. I guess I had assumed that recovery meant I was done crying and being angry. But really it just means that now I am crying and feeling angry for other women.
Despite that the day was utterly emotionally draining, it was also uplifting. To sit in a room crowded with health care practitioners there to learn how to better heal women like me, to have felt the power in that room–the power of each one of those individuals to change a life–gave me strength and hope.
Wow, what an amazing experience. There are days I still find my eyes filling up with tears when I think of those really dark days so I can see how the day was an emotional one for you.
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It truly was amazing. I am so lucky to have been able to attend that conference.
That sounds like such a fantastic experience. I do not know when the crying will stop. I still deal with it from time to time, and I know I am far from healed. I think experiences like that are wonderful because it helps you fight. Fight for you, and for other women like you. Katherine is amazing, as are you.
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Yes, experiences like this inspire me in many ways! I’m already thinking up ways I can contribute more!
I am so touched by your kind words and the chance to meet you in person. When I spoke in the afternoon, I told the audience that it is moms/women who must lead the charge for moms/women to get the care and need they deserve for PPA and PPD. Moms like you and Katherine who are sharing their voices just like others have done for breast cancer which now receives so much attention and support. Thanks for all you do!
Diane, thank you so much for your comment. You are so right–that we must lead the charge to get the care we deserve for our perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Knowing women like you and Katherine makes it easier for moms like me to do so!
This is gonna sound really weird, but I’m glad you did all that crying because I’m hoping it was a release for you. Sometimes we just need to let it all out. That we’re mad about what happened. That we are still in pain about what happened. Still pissed off it happened to us. Still so close to it that we fear it will come back. All those feelings are SO NORMAL, such a common part of recovery. I hope in some small way you were able to let out some of the trauma and have it replaced with a little bit of peace. So very happy I got to hug you!!!!
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress recently posted..Is Maternal Suicide Overlooked As A Leading Cause of Maternal Mortality?
I was so touched by your blog post. For a mother – where the expectation of family and friends is one of untold joy after the birth of a baby – to suffer from depression is an experince that is not only an issue of itself but will make the mother feel so excluded from the very people who could be supporting her. I am so glad that the emotions you experinced recently have helped you, and that you have been able to share them with the world.
Thank you so much for your comment, Rob. I’m thrilled that you were touched by my post.
Feeling alone made what was a crappy experience even worse. I’m not even sure there was truth in my feeling that way, now in retrospect. I guess one of the worst parts of depression is that we tend to isolate ourselves without realizing we’re doing so.
Wow! I had no idea you suffered so much….
Katherine is amazing. She saved my life.
I had PPD too. But unfortunately mine took 2 years to figure out. I was in and out of therapies but not one said I might have PPD. They just kept throwing drugs at me.
What a beautiful post and reminder that we are not alone.
Hugs!
Joey
Hi Joey! I would love to hear more about how Katherine saved your life. Did you blog about it at some point?
I can’t believe (well, really I can) nobody diagnosed you for 2 years. That is terrible. I wish we could do something to raise awareness among health care practitioners.
Thank you so much for stopping by & commenting.
I think many of us can completely relate to this! Katherine came to Boston a few months ago and I jumped on the chance to go see her. Between her and these blogs I found through her website I finally knew I wasn’t alone anymore and reached out for help after years of dealing with intrusive thoughts. A few minutes into her speaking, I begaan to cry for the same reasons as you. Such a touching experience! Thank you for sharing and you are helping so many women by what you are doing!