ICAN, the International Cesearean Awareness Network, tweeted this last week:
What made or would make the difference between trauma from a cesarean outcome to something milder like disappointment, sadness?
It really got me thinking about my expectations of labor and delivery during my pregnancy and then my actual experience, along with the recovery and how I feel today.
During my pregnancy, which was pretty easy even with all the Braxton Hicks contractions in the second and third trimesters, I barely paid attention to anything I read or saw or heard about c-sections. I was pretty sure none of that info would apply to me. How naive! I didn’t know then that the rate of c-sections in my state soars near 40%. I didn’t think to ask my OBGYN office what their rate is. There was a ton I didn’t know when it came to c-sections. I really wasn’t thinking about c-sections much at all, just like many first-time moms-to-be, I suspect.
I was in labor for quite a while. Active labor, at the hospital, lasted about 13 hours or so. After pushing for 2 hours and getting far but not far enough (Jax kept turning his head–which the nurse and OB could see–and I spiked a fever), my OB determined it was time to prep me for a c-section. I have never been more shocked in my life. And SO disappointed. I felt robbed of the birth I’d longed for & had envisioned for 9 months. I felt like a failure at something that should have come so naturally.
The surgery itself was a truly frightening experience for me. Someone told me once that the surgery takes about 20 minutes and that recovery/healing isn’t too bad. I now imagine she meant the actual cutting and sewing, not the prep and recovery and all that other fun stuff. But I went into the operating room figuring I’d be out again in less than a half hour, ready to nurse my newborn son. As time passed, I imagined something was wrong–why was it taking much longer than 20 minutes? And I had an anxiety attack. I felt numb from the neck down. I couldn’t breathe right. I wanted to tell my doctors and my husband that I felt like I was dying, but I couldn’t speak. I was trembling so badly. My arms were strapped down.
Just typing this is hard.
And when my son was removed from my body, I didn’t feel that wave of happiness I thought I’d feel. I still felt scared, like I was dying. And freaked out that I didn’t feel on top of the world. And upset that my arms were shaking so badly that there was no way to hold my son. And jealous that my husband got to hold him first.
After the surgery, I spent 3 anxious hours waiting to hold my son, wondering what was taking so freaking long and whether the separation would affect breastfeeding (it didn’t, thank goodness).
That’s really all I can say about my experience for now. But getting back to ICAN’s question, here is what I wish I knew before my experience:
- My state’s (and my OBGYN’s) c-section rate.
- That the surgery doesn’t take only 20 minutes, start to finish.
- That the healing process is long, slow, and sometimes painful. For me, I didn’t feel like myself again, physically, until about 3 months later.
- That maybe pitocin and an epidural weren’t the best choices for me. That being flat on my back for all those hours probably wasn’t most conducive to the labor I’d hoped for.
- That I could have asked for more time to push. That I could have made more of my own medical decisions, which may or may not have led to the same outcome. That I could have had more of a say in my own birth experience.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that c-sections save lives, and that the route of delivery shouldn’t matter as long as the mother and baby are healthy and safe. I know these things, and I do respect and appreciate medicine and all health care professionals. And I am eternally grateful that Jax and I were safe and are here together today. But I’m allowed to feel sad about how it all went down, and I still do sometimes. And that’s ok.
Here is my advice, for whatever it’s worth, to all pregnant women & their partners: It’s important to know you have choices about your birth experience. And you shouldn’t be naive in thinking a c-section won’t happen to you. Prepare yourself for birth by becoming informed and knowledgeable about as much as you can related to birth.
Knowledge beforehand would have made the difference, for me, between a traumatic cesarean outcome to something milder like disappointment.
This is a fantastic article. I wish that more parents would take the time to arm themselves with information. Like you, I have no inherent distrust of medical professionals. I’ve had great doctors who allow me to be an active partner in my own care. And a c-section saved my life 30 years ago.
That said, so often I hear of people making choices based on potentially faulty information: “big babies” that turn out to be tiny and premature, early c-sections for breech babies or babies that maybe just need a few more days to get turned, etc. It can be intimidating to question a doctor, but it doesn’t need to be. More than that, it doesn’t need to be adversarial. You just need to find doctors who are willing to partner with you.
It’s hard. I know a lot of people who carry trauma from their c/s. It’s easy to say, “Well, you’re healthy, the baby’s healthy. That’s what’s important, right?” But that just seems like a platitude.
Are there some good ways to give comfort and show love to friends who might be feeling those feelings that you felt after your c/s?
Hi Molly! Thanks for your comment. It’s awesome to hear from someone who WAS a c-section baby years ago!
In response to your question, I googled & came up with this post that I found really interesting:
http://babydickey.com/2010/12/21/what-not-to-say-to-a-c-section-mama/
There are some great things NOT to say listed there. I think nurses should pass out that list to anyone visiting a c-section momma in the hospital!
I told my OB from the beginning that I would either deliver vaginally or I would absolutely, positively have to be put under general anaesthesia, for a variety of reasons, including my fear of being cut, as well as my history of anaesthesia taking strangely.
You generally can set up an anaesthesia consult before you have your baby if you have concerns. It helps to get an idea of what you’ll be dealing with beyond just your OB. I found out that my options were a lot different than what my OB said.
Hey Samantha. Thanks for the info! I think being under would freak me out, too. I have a history of waking up under anesthesia.
Wow. I am so sorry you did not get the birth you envisioned. I really was fortunate to get an all natural vaginal birth like I wanted, but I seriously doubt it would have happened that way without my midwives.
However, I did not read a stitch of information about c-sections, I think I thought because I was using a midwife, I wouldn’t be having one – though I knew if there were any complications, I would be transferred to an OB/GYN. I read a TON of birthing literature while I was pregnant, and I actually SKIPPED the segments on c-section births, that is how in denial I was a section might be an option.
I honestly don’t know how I would have handled it if I had a c-section. I am an active member on several online mom forums and the disappointment of the whole birth experience after having a Cesarean that you speak of is sadly, not uncommon.
Yeah, in the big picture of things, as long as baby and mom are healthy following delivery are the most important, but I do not think people should disregard or sweep under the carpet feelings of sadness of a less than optimal birth experience. It’s a big day that is built up so much, and the media doesn’t help either.
I see a birth occur in a movie or on TV now, and it’s a huge *eyeroll*.
*hugs*
Hey momma! Thanks for commenting. I’m so happy you got the birth you wanted. Next time, I’ll probably use midwives (if there is a next time), too.
I was in total denial, too, and also skipped the c-section info in the class I took & in the books I read (and I read plenty of ‘em). Oops.
While I was pregnant, I didn’t read the c-section stuff at all either, until I read a blog from someone else with a story like yours. I realized that no one expects to need a c-section and that I should be prepared. So I read the section in my pregnancy book that I had previously skipped over.
I personally really wanted a drug-free birth, or at least no epidural, and am disappointed that didn’t happen. The birth center (within a hospital) I was add had the ball and tub I had wanted, but no one to advocate for their use. The nurses got me an epidural without so much as suggesting use of the labor tub or birthing ball. I deeply regret that. I would be OK having gotten the epi after exhausting my other options, but I didn’t.
I will say that during one point I was afraid that I would be sent to c-section. There was a lull in pushing and I sort of drifted off and could imagine the doctor telling me I was failing to progress. Luckily it didn’t go that way. My doctor was amazing and I think things would have been better if she was there for the whole labor.
I can’t wait to try it all again. When do you want baby #2? ;)
Hi Janine! Umm, I don’t think we can afford baby #2. So that’s a huge factor. If money weren’t an issue, maybe I’d be ready later this year or so. I had a great pregnancy, and sometimes I miss being pregnant. I think I’d also be OK with having only one, aside from occasional pangs of guilt that Jax seems to want a baby in the house. He’s obsessed with babies!!
Thanks for sharing part of your birth story here!
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