We Are Breaking Up

By “we”, I mean me and my therapist. I feel like now is the time. I’ve been seeing my therapist since October 2009, I think. In September 2010, I finally turned a major corner in my recovery from PPD. However, I still enjoyed going to therapy and hashing out my gameplan for milestones such as weaning, helping Jax sleep through the night, etc. I liked having therapy as an outlet for my thoughts, good and bad, even though I wasn’t sure I needed it anymore. And of course I still had random bad days, mostly after a few nights of terrible sleep, when I swore I could never stop going to therapy. In the first few months after Jax was born, I figured therapy would be a lifetime thing for me.

But I haven’t been there since early March and I have no upcoming appointments and I feel OK about these facts. More than OK, in fact, which surprises me. However, I do miss talking to my therapist because I share a lot in common with her, parenting-wise, and I have enjoyed and appreciated getting her feedback about mothering. And the tips! She always has great tips for me–you know, “Have you tried X?” or “Have you heard about X yet?” kinda tips. Going to therapy began as a painful experience but morphed into an experience similar to having coffee with a girlfriend. A girlfriend who gives amazing advice!

I guess I’ve kept therapy on the backburner because I like knowing I have it as a safety net should the going get tough again. The worst thing (for me) about PPD is that it never feels far enough away after you’ve recovered. I hope I won’t always feel like it could pop up at any time, like it’s lurking just around the corner. Or like if I have a bad day, I am “unrecovered” or something. So I’ve kept my therapist in my back pocket and I’ve popped in for occasional “tune-ups” even though I probably didn’t really need to.

In my mind, I keep thinking I will need therapy when my son weans from breastfeeding. Like the hormonal changes I will experience will send me over the edge! And I think about my upcoming (in June) first trip away from Jax (3 nights/4 days in New Orleans) and how that might push me back into therapy. And I am scared. I don’t like change. At all. So I fail to break things off, thinking it’s premature and that something huge, something that will cause me to run screaming back to therapy, is waiting just around the bend.

But hello?! We just initiated a HUGE change and I didn’t seek my therapist’s help at all–I was SO afraid and anxious about switching daycare providers on April 4. Like seriously anxious. But it is working out pretty well, and I’m coping great, as is Jax. One thing I’ve learned about myself since becoming a mother is that I underestimate people, namely myself and my son! Over & over again, we cope far better than I expect, and I spend tons of time worrying over things that never happen. I’m sure those of you reading who know me in real life are rolling your eyes and thinking “Duh” at this very moment, aren’t you?

So now? I’m off to email my therapist and let her know I won’t be needing a future appointment. Unless, you know, I actually need it.